Wednesday, November 30, 2005

In Memoriam

Many of you have emailed, wondering why I haven't acknowledged the passing of Sam, The World's Ugliest Dog. I have no excuse.

Rest in peace, Sam.

Click the arrow to play the video.

World's Ugliest Dog Dies at 14
Wed Nov 23, 2:47 PM ET

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. - Sam, the tiny dog whose hairless body and crooked teeth earned him a reputation as the World's Ugliest Dog, has died.

The pooch died Friday, just short of his 15th birthday, his owner said.

"I don't think there'll ever be another Sam," Susie Lockheed said, adding: "Some people would think that's a good thing."

Sam won the ugliest dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair this summer for the third year in a row. The pedigreed Chinese crested had made appearances on TV in Japan, radio in New Zealand and in Britain's Daily Mirror tabloid. He also had met Donald Trump on a talk show set.

Sam, you will be missed.

Bush v Kerry:
Dueling Iraq Strategies

George W. had an exit strategy during the Vietnam war. I know. Old joke. Still, the new & improved "George W. Has A Secret Plan For Victory In Iraq" (slurring and stuttering speechifying) this morning, scheduled for 9:45 a.m., is supposed to be "a major speech."

Which of these two editorial cartoons most accurately predicts the substance of this "major speech?"

By the way, Senators John Kerry and Jack Reed will hold a press conference at 11:00 a.m. EST today.

If you haven't already read the text of Sen. Kerry's "Strategy For Success In Iraq Act," introduced earlier this month, it'd behoove you to do so before George W.'s "major speech photo op this morning.

File this under:

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Normal: An Illinois Town &
The Center Of The Bell Curve

Once upon a time (actually, just last year), Karen "Bigfoot" Hughes called her book George W. Bush Love Letter Ten Minutes From Normal. Clever title? Not really. Hughes found her future book title when a train conductor informed the president's entourage that they were ten minutes from the Normal, Illinois station. Hughes even writes that she's proud to claim that she's always been "normal." What a laugh!

Which brings us to Normal, Illinois. Note: Bloomington and Normal are twin cities, pretty much "centered" between Chicago and St. Louis.

I had both the good and bad fortune to live in Bloomington for several years. The good: very little crime (except for the occasional ax murder and coordinated I-55 "driving while Mexican" drug bust). The bad: Almost everyone born and raised in the area is disturbingly normal. And by normal, I mean smack dab in the middle of the proverbial Bell Curve. In other words, not very smart.

The local newspaper, The Daily Pantagraph (No, not pantograph) is (cough) affectionately referred to as "The Daily Paragraph," and school teachers have given up awarding extra credit points for finding grammatical errors in the paper because the points amassed were causing GPA's to skyrocket.

Which brings us to today's blog post topic: How normal do you have to be to blame a driving range when you hit the ball sideways, it ricochets off the pole dividing the tee off areas, bounces back, and hits you in the head?

Pretty damned normal!

Golf injury prompts lawsuit

By Brett Nauman
Tuesday, November 29, 2005

BLOOMINGTON -- A Normal man who says he suffered a severe eye injury two years ago while teeing off at a driving range filed a civil lawsuit on Monday that claims the facility's operators were negligent.

Gene Sperry Jr. was driving a bucket of balls at the All Seasons Golf Learning Center, 1304 Cross Creek Drive, Normal, when one of the golf balls hit an unprotected metal stake in front of the tee box and ricocheted back into his eye. --snip--

Sperry, who is represented by Bloomington attorney Timothy Kelly, is seeking more than $50,000 in damages for the "severe" and "permanent" injuries caused by the errant golf ball during the Nov. 26, 2003, incident.

Errant golf ball?

Here's the final paragraph:

Sperry said he was hitting off the second level of the range when one of the golf balls ricocheted off a metal stake in front and to the right of the tee.
The stake was part of a partition between the cubicles used by the range's customers.

Those urban/suburban driving ranges look like this:

How much do you have to suck at golf to hit the damned pole with your errant golf ball?

That's Normal for you.

By the way, The Daily Pantagraph's editorial board is also (cough) normal:

Don't trust government? Then be better prepared

If you don't think the government will provide adequate help to you before or after a disaster, then be prepared to help yourself.

Even if you do think the government cavalry will ride to the rescue, be prepared -- in case you guess wrong.

File this under:

Monday, November 28, 2005

Katherine Harris Will Do Anything...
For Your Vote

US Senate Candidate Katherine Harris
(Florida, of course) pleases a Republican supporter by... er, smiling.

File this under:

To Build A Fire:
George W. Fireside Chats?

Sometimes I read something spewed by one of George W.'s flying monkeys-- with a straight face-- and find myself...

Don't you?

GOP senator suggests ‘fireside chat’ on war

Warner says it could bring Bush closer to American people

- The chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee on Sunday suggested that President Bush use an FDR-style presentation to update people on progress in the war in Iraq.

Sen. John Warner, R-Va., recalled that during World War II, President Franklin D. Roosevelt often went on the radio in “fireside chats” to explain to the nation in detail the conduct of the war in Europe and Asia.

“I think it would be to Bush’s advantage,” said Warner, who served in the Navy during the war."

Great idea, Senator Warner, under one condition...

I want to build the fire.

Just kidding, FBI!

Really, Homeland Security!

It' an FDR history joke, BushCo!

File this under:

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The Power Of The Mouse Click:
Let's Mess With Online Minds...
Just Because We Can!

I have a group of online friends who are dedicated to messing with online polls... Not socially or politically significant polls, mind you. Just random online polls, where the outcome doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

Recently, we all voted for "a picnic in the park" in a random church's poll on "What's Your Family's Favorite Way To Spend A Sunday Afternoon?"

By "we," I mean thousands of us.

Can you imagine the surprise of those random church elders when 133 people divided their votes between "Reading scripture" and "Playing board games," but 8,764 people voted for "a picnic in the park?"

Especially amusing... since that random church has less than 300 members.

So here's your chance to yell "Random!" and mess with some online minds: (the recipe site) asks you to vote for your favorite recipe among the 10 entries.

We're all votiing for Lemon And Garlic Chicken Over Linguine just to see what happens. This recipe is currently in second place; let's see if we can work together and push it over the top...

Just because we can!

Click Here To Vote!

Epicurious will let you vote once each day, so bookmark this link, spread it around to your friends, and keep voting daily! I'll post the results when the contest ends.


The Sermon on the Blog:
Let's Go Church Shopping!

Church- \Church\, n. [OE. chirche, chireche, cherche, Scot. kirk,
from AS. circe, cyrice; akin to D. kerk, Icel. kirkja, Sw.
kyrka, Dan. kirke, G. kirche, OHG. chirihha; all fr. Gr.
the Lord's house, fr. concerning a master or lord, fr.
master, lord, fr. power, might; akin to Skr. [,c][=u]ra
hero, Zend. [,c]ura strong, OIr. caur, cur, hero. Cf.
1. A building set apart for Christian worship.
2. A Jewish or heathen temple. [Obs.] --Acts xix. 37.
3. A formally organized body of Christian believers
worshiping together. ``When they had ordained them elders
in every church.'' --Acts xiv. 23.
4. A body of Christian believers, holding the same creed,
observing the same rites, and acknowledging the same
ecclesiastical authority; a denomination; as, the Roman
Catholic church; the Presbyterian church.

Now that we've established the dictionary definition(s), Let's go church shopping!

Urantia - The Urantia Book is sort of a Tolstoy-style history of the meaning of life, the Universe, and everything, and the answer is not as simple as "42." Have a scorecard handy to keep track of all the angels, demons, and other assorted characters!

Scientology - L. Ron Hubbard is the Grandaddy of Invented Religions for Fun and Profit. Click here for the Official Church home page. To find out what Scientology's been up to recently, just do a search on "Scientology" on any search engine, and I guarantee there'll be no dearth of information available. ;)

Islam - Guess what! Not all Muslims are scimitar-waving, bomb-crazy religious fanatics, which just goes to show you that fundamentalism is the bane of any religion. Find out about the Five Pillars of the Faith and what's really in the Koran.

The Baha'i Faith - Intelligent monotheism in a world that desperately needs it. Although I question their contention that they're the "second most widespread religion on earth", it should be, anyway. (Although a Baha'iist told me that claim originates from them allegedly being in more countries than any other religion.) Baha'iism teaches that racial prejudice is destructive, that men and women are equal, that all major faiths come from God, that everyone should be educated, that science is not the enemy of religion, that one must independently discover truth for one's self, and that God's creation is essentially good. Clearly, this dangerous faith must be destroyed before it makes the world safe for peace and harmony!!!

Jews for Jesus - I haven't yet figured out how you can combine these two religions, one of which is waiting for Jesus to come, and the other of which is waiting for him to come again, but these folks seem to think they know what they're doing.

Church of All Worlds - Did you ever read Robert Heinlein's "Stranger In A Strange Land?" These people did, and they founded an honest-to-Goddess religion based on the ideas of Michael Valentine Smith.

The Reformed Druids of North America - I'm glad they reformed because I don't like criminal Druids. ;) This is a bona fide religion that started out as a joke when some college students didn't want to attend required chapel services in college. They started holding quasi-religious Druidic services and began to find they were actually getting something out of it.

The Universal Life Church - Become an officially-ordained minister! I did! If you've never heard of the ULC, this is a bona fide religion and you can become one of their ministers on-line, which will give you the legal right to put "Reverend" before your name. The only qualification you must have is a pulse.

The Hare Krishna Home Page - "I'm just mad about Saffron..." The religion for people who are into yellow, look like Yul Brynner, and annoy you at the airport.

Aum Shinrikyo - Meet the friendly folks who brought you the 1995 Tokyo Subway Sarin Nerve Gas Attack!

Order of the Solar Temple - Jim Jones, eat your heart out! Ski & commit suicide en masse all on one great weekend.

Heaven's Gate - Who can forget those wild and crazy Trekkies who offed themselves so they could ride on a UFO travelling in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet and achieve eternal grokness??? And you thought Scientology was weird!

Principia Discordia - Don't be confused by the Holy Writings (although that's what the Goddess of Confusion would like you to be!) but this is a real, honest-to-Goddess religion. Okay, it may not take itself as seriously as other religions do, but there really are Discordians who worship Eris. You will find them in the Neo-Pagan movement, generally hiding the High Priestess' athame...

Concerned Christians - This Denver, Colorado-based apocalyptic doomsday cult takes the prize as the first major religious wacko group to make millennial headlines in 1999. Although it failed in its attempt to hasten Jesus Christ's return by drawing innocent Israeli policemen into a bloody shootout in Jerusalem the first week of the year, you can be sure they won't be the last, as Israel is attracting religious weirdos like doggy doo draws the perennial flies!

CADS - Christians & Domination/Submission - Beat me, hurt me, make me make you a chicken pot pie! This site is for real! Christians who have taken the whole ancient theology of female submission to whole new heights (or lows, as the case may be)! But they want you to understand...they're into MORAL bondage and slavery, they wouldn't want you for a MOMENT to think that they were into that sinful homosexuality and orgies and women voting stuff!

St. John Coltrane African Orthodox Church - Located in San Francisco, these is a real honest-to-God church...for 29 years, according to Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird via the Independent of London. They don't seem to tell you what they're all about, but I'll bet they have a wicked good music program!!!

Embassy of Heaven Church - Just who are all those nuts in camos with saucepans on their heads and Uzis in their hands? Are they wacko survivalists? Are they paramilitary nuts? Are they Christian cultists? Hey, they're all of the above!!!

Santeria - These are the folks who made animal sacrifice a constitutional right granted by the Supreme Court in the early '90s...if you sorta like Catholicism, and you sorta like Paganism, but you can't figure out which religion you want, why choose at all? Go Santerian and slaughter a chicken for the Mother!!!

Church Universal & Triumphant - It sounds like a spoof on weird vaguely Christian New Age religions from the description on their web page, but they're legit - founded by Elizabeth Clare Prophet and based on teachings by "Ascended Masters." One of the "salad bar religions," they draw inspiration from various figures Christian and non-Christian. Thanks to Tom Hart for passing this one along!

Jews For Allah - If you thought Jews for Jesus was weird, wait'll you check out Jews for Allah! Salaam Alaikum, Bubbeleh! They're ethnically Jewish and religiously Muslim...

Thelema - Yet another this-is-for-real weird religion! Pioneered by the late British occultist Aleister Crowley, Thelema is based on his books and writings. It combines ceremonial magic, an acknowledgement of a wide variety of deities, and explains all existence through two principles: the Space-Time Continuum and the Principle of Life & Wisdom. Thelema is an extra-heavy dose of weird, but then again Uncle Al wasn't exactly your garden-variety next-door neighbor...Thanks to Homeslice, who deified himself this week, for reminding me to put these weirdoes in with all us OTHER weirdoes!!!

The Church Of Body Modification - Yes, the piercers and tattooers et al have formed their own honest-to-goodness church. Pierce a nipple for your favorite deity, I guess...

Yes, Virginia, there is a church out there for you... if you're a skilled shopper!

Or you could skip the shopping, deify yourself, and start your own bona fide religion!

Go ahead. Click it. You know you want to!

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon.

Go forth in the knowledge that your personal choice of beliefs is infinite.

And I mean that, damn it!

Oh, by the way...


Saturday, November 26, 2005

Michael "Heck Of A Job" Brown Flashback

To all city/ regional government types stupid enough to consider hiring FEMA Failure Michael Brown (scroll down this page for more info) as a disaster management consultant:

You're either heartless idiots, mean and heartless idiots, or just regular Republican run-of-the-mill idiots with incredibly short memories...

This has been a Michael "Heck Of A Job" Brown Flashback.

Friday, November 25, 2005

This Week's
Backside Of The Bell Curve

Disgraced Bush FEMA Crony
"Pay Me Because I'm An Idiot"

Michael Brown, fired from his job
with an Equestrian Association and
forced to resign
his cushy political FEMA post.

Ex-FEMA Head Starts Disaster Planning Firm

DENVER - Former FEMA Director Michael Brown, heavily criticized for his agency's slow response to Hurricane Katrina (Make that "forced to resign because he was incompetent!"), is starting a disaster preparedness consulting firm to help clients avoid the sort of errors that cost him his job.

"If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses — because that goes straight to the bottom line — then I hope I can help the country in some way," Brown told the Rocky Mountain News for its Thursday editions.

Brown said officials need to "take inventory" of what's going on in a disaster to be able to answer questions to avoid appearing unaware of how serious a situation is.

What's "Heck Of A Job" Brownie's company motto?

"Don't let this happen to you?"

Reread the news story above and pay close attention to his rationale: " to be able to answer questions to avoid appearing unaware of how serious a situation is."

To avoid appearing unaware?

And people are supposed to pay Brownie large sums of money to learn how NOT TO APPEAR UNAWARE?

Truly heavy sigh.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Pass the Myths and the Mashed Potatoes, Please!

I remember the Alamo... as decreed by the Daughters of the Republic of Texas, that is.

13 days of glory and all that jazz.

You had to remember the Alamo if you grew up in Texas: it was on the test every damned year you were in school; and you had to pass Texas History in order to graduate (maybe kids still do).

If you're lucky, though, your teacher injected a little reality somewhere along the line: Davy Crockett and those other "heroes" were mercenaries, hired to hold the fort-- or mission, if you will... in return for a shitload of free land.

And those mercenaries brought women and children along for the standoff. Good one, guys! Great way to use loved ones as bargaining chips.

Pass the cranberry sauce, please. The story of the "heroic stand" at the Alamo is just one of our great American myths... spoon fed to our children annually.

Which brings us to Thanksgiving...

"I don't go so far as to think that the only good Indians are dead Indians; but I believe nine out of ten are, and I shouldn't inquire too closely into the case of the tenth."
Theodore Roosevelt

Squaw-the true meaning of this world is 'Indian whore' or an obscene term referring to female genitalia.

Idaho Lawmaker Harwood said," I don't think the word "squaw" is derogatory. It's the way it's being said that would make 'em take it that way."

Representative Twila Hornback said, "Just because people take it (squaw) as offensive doesn't make it offensive."

Tonto- the Spanish word for FOOL, Kemosabe.

iQué hombre más tonto! What a fool of a man!

Myles Standish pretended to be a trader and beheaded an Indian man named Wituwamat-he brought his head to Plymouth where it was displayed on a wooden spike for years as a symbol of "white power." Standish had the Indian man's young brother hanged from the rafters for good measure.

"To see them frying in the fire, and the streams of their blood quenching the same, and the stench was horrible; but the victory seemed a sweet sacrifice and they GAVE PRAISE THEREOF TO GOD."

"It pleased God to visite these Indeans with a great sickness, and such a mortalitie that of a 1000 and a halfe of them dyed, and many of them did rott above ground for want of burial."

Governor William Bradford (Entries from his diary)

Every treaty (350) with the Indians has been broken.

Abraham Lincoln declared Thanksgiving Day to be a legal national holiday during the Civil War---on the same day and at the same time he ordered troops to march against the Sioux in Minnesota. He subsequently ordered 38 Santee Sioux hung on Christmas Eve for leaving the 'reservation' in search of food.

Pass the Myths and the Mashed Potatoes, please.

After lunch, read this "Thanksgiving" story to your older children:

From The Black Commentator:

Celebrating the unspeakable

White America embraced Thanksgiving because a majority of that population glories in the fruits, if not the unpleasant details, of genocide and slavery and feels, on the whole, good about their heritage: a cornucopia of privilege and national power. Children are taught to identify with the good fortune of the Pilgrims. It does not much matter that the Native American and African holocausts that flowed from the feast at Plymouth are hidden from the children’s version of the story – kids learn soon enough that Indians were made scarce and Africans became enslaved. But they will also never forget the core message of the holiday: that the Pilgrims were good people, who could not have purposely set such evil in motion. Just as the first Thanksgivings marked the consolidation of the English toehold in what became the United States, the core ideological content of the holiday serves to validate all that has since occurred on these shores – a national consecration of the unspeakable, a balm and benediction for the victors, a blessing of the fruits of murder and kidnapping, and an implicit obligation to continue the seamless historical project in the present day.

Read the rest and ask yourself...

What the hell am I really celebrating today?

And pass me that totally tasteless dessert toon that's so popular this year...

Heaviest of sighs.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Fundies On 34th Street:
Dobson To Ruin Macy's
Thanksgiving Parade

Tomorrow morning, James Dobson's Focus On The Family minions plan to crash the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and pass out freaky little "stress balls" imprinted with their "We Can Cure Your Gay Child" website address along the parade route.

Did these adults make this child
grow up to be gay?

How about these adults?
(Don't laugh. Read on...)

Radical Cleric James Dobson wants gay people to know that they're "not wired" to be gay. Those to blame for gay-ness?



The media.

And "seduction by peers."
To those of you parents who believe that Dobson and his fundie flying monkeys really have your child's best interests at heart...

The conservative ministry appears to be in a desperate search for new, younger followers to tune in to the radio show by Focus founder James Dobson. Web site creator Steve Watters told the Associated Press that the number of listeners has not been growing in recent years and that most people who call for help are in their late 40s.

Shame on you, Dobsonites!

SpongeBob SquarePants is just a cartoon, damn it!

And advertising to thousands of children (and their scared shitless of not being "normal" parents) lining the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade route by handing them a toy is just plain mean!

But I should never expect kindness, understanding, and acceptance from you, Dobsonites, should I? However would you earn a living if you actually followed the teachings of Jesus?

Truly heavy sigh.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Is The New York Times
Trying To Seduce Me?

Nice try, NYT.
But whoring for readers after sneaking out of George W.'s bed isn't exactly my idea of true love.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Murtha (D)
Taught Cheney (R)
How To Be Sec. of State

Who's attempting to rewrite history?

In 1989 (during the short reign of George I), Republican Dick "5 Deferments" Cheney told Democrat John Murtha, "I'm going to need a lot of help. I don't know a blankety-blank thing about defense."

During the 2004 Vice Presidential debate, Republican Cheney said, "One of my strongest allies in Congress when I was Secretary of Defense was Jack Murtha, a Democrat who is chairman of the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee."

Last week, Congressman (decorated war hero, Democrat & Cheney Sec. of Def. teacher) John Murtha said, "The U.S. cannot accomplish anything further in Iraq militarily. It is time to bring (the troops) home."

So what did the Republican deferment king say?

"The president and I cannot prevent certain politicians from losing their memory, or their backbone -- but we're not going to sit by and let them rewrite history."

I'll ask again...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The President
and the
Puzzling Chinese Door

Today's Sermon On The Blog:
Star Trek & The Five Lights

From today's guest minister, Usenet's "Jaffo":

I'm about to do something I swore I would never do. I'm about to write a philosophical post based on a Star Trek episode.

You remember that episode where Picard was captured by the Cardassians?

They didn't ask him any questions about Federation security or technology or anything like that. The interrogator sat him down in front of this bank of lights and asked him how many there were.

There were four lights.

Picard answered correctly. "I see four lights."

The interrogator shocked him with this torture device and corrected his mistake. "There are FIVE lights. Now, how many lights are there."

Picard paused, recognizing the game. He answered again, "I see four lights."

The interrogator shocked him again and repeated his question, "How many lights do you see?"

Picard stuck to his guns. Louder this time. "I SEE FOUR LIGHTS!"

The interrogator stormed out of the room. Picard would not get any food or water until he agreed that there were FIVE lights.

I believe our country, our culture, our whole bloody WORLD is like this interrogation room.

Consider my perspective.

I'm living in a highly Christian town, in a highly Christian state, in a very mystical world.

I have intelligence, ability, charm, and ambition. I could wrap this town around my finger if I wanted to. But first, I have to answer the question, "How many lights do you see?"

I feel like Jesus, brought high on the mountain to look down upon the Earth. The powerful men, the string-pullers, are making me an offer. "You can have whatever you want. We'll give you fame and power nd money and love and everything else men crave. All you have to do is tell us how many lights you see."

I know what answer they want. But I can't give it to them. The answer they want is the WRONG answer.

But who am I to decide what the right answer is? I'm just one man. Fragile and scared and alone. Besides, these guys have been counting lights for 40 years. I just started counting three years ago.
Maybe there really ARE five lights. Maybe I'm just being stubborn. Maybe my dad is right. I've been told there are five lights all my life. Maybe I'm just REBELLING. Maybe I'll "grow out of it."

I hear the old ones talk sometimes. I tell them how many lights I see and they look down on me and they pat my head. They say, "When I was your age, I only saw four lights. But when you get to be MY age -- when you get a little more EXPERIENCE, you'll realize that there were five lights, all along."

I met a pretty girl yesterday. She was smart and funny and talking to her made me feel happy inside. I didn't want to ask the question. I tried not to ask. I tried to forget there even WAS a question. I tried to top caring about the answer.

But finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I asked her, "How many lights do you see?"

She smiled at me in that familiar way and said, "There are five lights, of course. What a silly question!"

I asked my Grandmother about it. Tactfully, of course. I asked her, "Grandma, have you ever considered the possibility, just the POSSIBILITY, that there are only four lights?"

Grandma got very angry. She said it was evil to say things like that. She said bad things happen to people who don't see five lights. She told me about Uncle Charlie and Aunt Sue. Uncle Charlie and Aunt Sue said there were only four lights, but they did lots of drugs and they beat their kids and they didn't even celebrate CHRISTMAS, for God's sake!

She said my mother saw five lights and she wanted me to see five lights, and if she wasn't dead already, hearing that I only saw four lights would kill her.

She said I might as well go to my mother's grave and spit on it, talking about four lights that way.

I loved my mother, and I miss her, and I wouldn't want to make her angry or sad. But no matter how hard I squint and stare and rub my eyes, all I ever see is four lights.

When I was really little they took me to this pretty house and asked me how many lights I saw. I was very young, and I wanted to make my parents happy, so I said I saw five lights. They held me under the water for a little while and when I came up, they said I could be in the five-lights club.

At first, it was fun being in the five-lights club. Talking about the five lights made my parents very happy. I got to play with the other children and sing songs and once I made a little house out of popsicle sticks.

But as I got older, I started to worry. Everybody around me got so happy when I talked about the five lights, I started to feel guilty about it. I felt guilty about lying.

I was a good speaker, and I knew lots of big words. My parents said I should devote my life to talking about the five lights. I didn't really say anything when the subject came up. I just smiled and changed the subject.

Finally, after I was all grown up, I decided to stop lying. I decided to tell everyone that I only saw four lights -- to apologize for lying all this time.

Some of the people I told got angry. Some of them got sad. And some of them said it was "just a phase" I was going through.

I told my friends about it. Friends so close they were like brothers. Closer than any real family I ever had. We all agreed on the number of lights while we were growing up, but we never really talked about it.

It wasn't something you really TALKED about, when you were a kid. You just accepted it as fact. There were five lights. Everybody around you saw five lights and they taught you to see five lights, and that's how many there were, until the day you died.

You could talk about what color they were or how bright they were, but the number never changed. There were FIVE lights, dammit, and bad things happen to people who only see four!

I told my friends how many lights I saw. I knew it would shock them but I knew they loved me. I knew they would accept my belief, even if they didn't share it.

I was surprised when they started asking me questions:

"How do you KNOW how many lights there are?"
"Are you SURE there are only four lights?"
"Millions of people see five lights, who are YOU to only see four?"
"The fifth light is invisible, but you're supposed to see it anyway!"
"We're not wrong, your eyes are wrong!"

They were still my friends. They still loved me. But now there was something wrong. Even when we're not talking about the lights, I can tell they're thinking about them.

They don't just see ME when they look at me anymore. They see the guy who only sees four lights.

They keep their distance sometimes. They were told that bad things happen to people like me. They're afraid that if they get too close, bad things will happen to them, too.

I haven't told my Grandma yet. I haven't talked to her in a long time. I'm afraid to talk to her, because I know that if we talk, she's going to ask me the question.

I've lied to her for 20 years, but I'm not going to lie anymore. If she asks me how many lights I see, I'm going to tell her the truth.
After I tell her the truth, a lot of people are going to be worried about me. Some of them are going to hate me. I don't know which part bothers me more -- the hate or the worry.

I'd rather have people hate me than worry about me. I'm funny that way.

Before I go, I want to ask you a question.

You don't have to answer right away. You don't even have to say it out loud. Later tonight, when the doors are all locked and the lights are out and there's no one around to hear you or hate you or worry about you, take a moment and ask yourself -- honestly --

How many lights do you see?

Wanting to believe and truly believing are two different things, dear reader.

When you fear expressing your true beliefs, can you ever be truly free?

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon.

Go forth remembering...

To Thine Own Self Be True.

I mean it, damn it!

Shakespeare, Proverbs 11 (1-14), or Socrates?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Is Gen. George Casey
A "Cut & Run Coward,"
Ms. Schmidt?

Hey, Jeanne Schmidt!

No take backs allowed, Hon!

What do you think the floor of the US House of Representatives is? A grade school playground? Calling a decorated war hero a "cut & run coward" is so last year, Babe!

And then there's this...

From CNN...
Defense official: Rumsfeld given Iraq withdrawal plan

Plan calls for troops to begin pulling out after December elections

The top U.S. commander in Iraq has submitted a plan to the Pentagon for withdrawing troops in Iraq, according to a senior defense official.

The Republicans in the House suffered a resounding defeat last night: Too afraid to debate and cast a voice vote on the Murtha Resolution, Republicans substituted their own Hunter Resolution and resorted to name calling and their signature Republican rules twisting to pass an incredibly dumb "I support killing more US troops and torturing anyone I damn well please" crap.

It's plain to see that George W. does not listen to his military generals on the ground.

It's also increasingly obvious that the Republicans had a plan to start drawing down the troops ahead of next year's mid term elections...

And the Democrats managed, last night, to make the Republicans go on record as NOT in favor of ever bringing our troops home.

Remember this when Republicans attempt their warm and fuzzy "Vote for me in November and your loved one in uniform will be home for Christmas 2006" photo-ops next Fall!

Here's to you, Ms. Jeanne Schmidt of Ohio...

You're now the Republican Party Poster Child...

Friday, November 18, 2005

This Week's
Backside Of The Bell Curve

Republican Chain Restaurant Owner & Bush Campaign Fundraiser

US Ambassador To New Zealand

"I'm misunderstood because of a language barrier"

Don't go running for your Funk & Wagnalls.

They speak the Queen's English in New Zealand.

He expressed disappointment that a "freedom-loving country" like New Zealand had not joined the US-led invasion of Iraq. And in his first news conference, repeatedly pronounced the ANZUS Treaty as "Anzoo".

But this is a Bush crony we're talking about, remember? What did you expect? Credentials? Gravitas? Breeding?

Ambassador Bill has had a (cough) tough time (cough) getting his Kiwi legs on this new and exciting adventure in US friggin' diplomacy stuff.

He's a restaurant chain owner, damn it. And it's a ponderous chain, indeed.

And what does he serve to his customers at his 58 restaurants?


"Seared ahi is cooked rare to perfection and served with wasabi and pickled ginger. Razor clams arrive fork-tender, while Kodiak Island lingcod is dressed in a Thai curry sauce that's red-hot and delicious."


What comes from New Zealand?


Now, can you name 3 fish on New Zealand's Fish Watch list?

I thought you could.

Ray of hope?

Your Majesty!

Take it away, Boys!

Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl,
but she doesn't have a lot to say
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl
but she changes from day to day

I want to tell her that I love her a lot
But I gotta get a bellyful of wine
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl
Someday I'm going to make her mine, oh yeh,
someday I'm going to make her mine.

Making fun of the queen (with a little help from The Beatles) may be a bad habit...

But I know a worse one.

I'll be back later today with This Week's Backside of the Bell Curve Winner.

Until then...

Be sure to read my weekly column, The Blog Box. The link is in the sidebar.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Carl Bernstein Speaks Out
On Woodwardgate

This has got to hurt, Woodward!

"This investigation has cast a constant searchlight that the White House can’t turn off the way it has succeeded in turning off the press. So their methodology and their dishonesty and their disingenuousness -- particularly about how we went to war -- as well as their willingness to attack and rough up people who don’t agree with them are now there for all to see. They can’t turn off this searchlight, which is shining on a White House that runs a media apparatus so sophisticated in discrediting its critics it makes the Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Ziegler press shop look like a small-time operation.” And these are the very thugs that Woodward was protecting while attacking the guy operating the searchlight."

Personally, I'll enjoy seeing those little daggers next to Woodward's future book sales reports, indicating that some wingnut group (like The Heritage Foundation) has purchased the books in bulk (at a ridiculously low price) to pass out like party favors.

Bob Woodward IS NOT Robert Redford. The first time I saw Woodward interviewed on TV (back when Gawd was boy), I though he was retarded.


Then I began to piece together the clues from "All The President's Men." Woodward had already been fired from the Washington Post once and had spent time on a Montgomery paper before being rehired by the WaPo. Well, Woodward was about to be fired again as the Watergate story broke.

Bob Woodward: Who's Charles Colson?
Harry Rosenfeld: Sit down. You know I'm glad you asked me that question. The reason I'm glad you asked me is because if you had asked Simons or Bradlee they woulda said, "You know we're gonna have to fire this schmuck at once because he's so *dumb*."

But for Carl Bernstein, Woodward never would've lasted long enough at the WaPo to win that Pulitzer.

Woodward's only talent was in cultivating sources (beginning with his stint in Naval Intelligence). Probably because he was in the right place at the right time. And probably because he could keep his mouth shut (trans. Not intelligent enough to be a smart ass).

Sorry, Bob. "Being There" isn't good enough when you let yourself get played by BushCo while you're gathering info for a damned book.

And Carl Bernstein isn't around to bail you out this time, Buddy.

Deep Throat: Follow the money.
Bob Woodward: What do you mean? Where?

Heavy sigh.

All The president's Men, page 15:

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It's Official:
George W. Antichrist

Thanks to my friend, Bluebear for noticing George W.'s... er, true identity.

When the freepers scream, "He's not the antichrist! He's Peter Pan!"...

Tell them to consult "The God Warrior" Mother.

Image hosted by

As for Laura's Partridge Family outfit...

Vera Wang is weeping.

Bob Woodward Plames Himself!

Meet the new Judith Miller...

Bob Woodward.

Yep, both The New York Times and The Washington Post missed out on the biggest scoop since Watergate because their star reporters were both involved in the story... Up to their high-priced bylines!

But Miller & Woodward never wrote about Valerie Plame under those bylines. At least, not until they were both implicated. I'm sure "administration officials" wanted them to, though. That was more than likely the BushCo WHIG (White House Iraq Group) plan all along: leak crap to a bunch of reporters who wouldn't dream of divulging their White House sources.

Miller and Woodward were smart enough not to write the original stories under their own bylines, though, which tells me that MILLER & WOODWARD BOTH KNEW that "administration officials" were trying to play them.

I'm sure this happens all of the time, aren't you?

Can you think of any other reason why Woodward & Miller wouldn't write (even after Bob Novak took the bait) the biggest story of the Bush administration's march to war?

Anyway, keep in mind that Bob Woodward is a Republican...

Or at least he claimed to be in "All The President's Men." (Rent the movie and fast forward to the scenes with Hugh Sloan.)

Woodward Was Told of Plame More Than Two Years Ago

By Jim VandeHei and Carol D. Leonnig
Washington Post Staff Writers
Wednesday, November 16, 2005; Page A01

Washington Post Assistant Managing Editor Bob Woodward testified under oath Monday in the CIA leak case that a senior administration official told him about CIA operative Valerie Plame and her position at the agency nearly a month before her identity was disclosed.

In a more than two-hour deposition, Woodward told Special Counsel Patrick J. Fitzgerald that the official casually told him in mid-June 2003 that Plame worked as a CIA analyst on weapons of mass destruction, and that he did not believe the information to be classified or sensitive, according to a statement Woodward released yesterday.

Woodward didn't write the story. And I'm supposed to believe that he handed it to Walter Pincus?


Here's what Woodward actually did:

"When the story comes out, I'm quite confident we're going to find out that it started kind of as gossip, as chatter," he told CNN's Larry King.

Woodward also said in interviews this summer and fall that the damage done by Plame's name being revealed in the media was "quite minimal."

"When I think all of the facts come out in this case, it's going to be laughable because the consequences are not that great," he told National Public Radio this summer.

Let's recap:

Woodward knew in June, 2003, that Ambassador Joseph Wilson's wife yada yada yada.

He claims he told rival reporter, Walter Pincus.

He didn't tell his editors he was involved.

He went on TV and claimed the leak of a covert CIA WMD operative was no biggie.

He kept quiet about his involvement until he was ratted out to the grand jury by one of his 3 sources.

Pass the popcorn!

The plot is thickening!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

George W. Did Not Mislead You!
You Misfollowed!

Stop blaming the president, damn it!

Get it?

Got it?


Monday, November 14, 2005

Did Kilgore Lose Virginia
Because Bush was Drunk?

Kilgore called in the (cough) president (cough) for a Hail Mary on election eve last Monday night, and now Kaine, not Kilgore) is Virginia's new governor.

And Kilgore is blaming his loss on George W. Bush!

Too funny, but...

Forget for a moment that George W. Bush is so unpopular that MSNBC's Gidget (AKA Solidad O'Brien) was able to smack down senior Bushbot talking head Dan Bartlett with a sweet "Poll numbers indicate that your boss is a lying sack of crap" comment this morning.

Here's the burning question:

Was the president drunker than a skunk when he campaigned for Kilgore last Monday night?

Watch the video and decide for yourself...

Click The Picture
To View The Video

Now ask yourself...

If no one "sees" George W. drinking, does that mean he doesn't drink?

Answer: Of course not. Only an idiot would buy that "I've never seen the president drink; therefore, the president doesn't drink" crap.

It's just one more sorry use of the "plausible deniability" excuse.

One more question...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Today's Sermon on the Blog:
The "God Warrior" Mother

Last Wednesday, on that FOX Trading Spouses TV show, one of the mothers was a caring, understanding Unitarian Universalist. The other was a "God Warrior."

Naturally, an intelligently-designed-by-man bobblehead doll of the God Warrior showed up on EBay...

This talking bobblehead of the Crazy God Warrior say the following quotes:

  • I don't want someone with tainted... anything in beliefs, doing anything with my family!

  • Darksided!

  • Their entire house is darksided too!

  • Everything's un-Godly!

  • Gargoyles!... Psychics!

  • Get the hell out of my house- in Jesus' name I pray!

  • GET OUT!

  • I give it up to God I'm a GOD WARRIOR!

  • She's not a CHRISTIAN!

  • She was tampering in darksided stuff!

  • This is tainted- I don't want it. Whatever it is, it's tainted!

  • I want nothing. I want my God and I want my family!

  • I want NO Money!

What an adorable piece for the baby's room! Having this keepsake in your home will ward off evil spirits. You'll just want to smile everytime you look at it!

Image hosted by

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Also included in the fantastic auction is this exclusive GOD WARRIOR bumper sticker!:

Image hosted by

So lifelike you'll be plagued with nightmares for the rest of your days!

Don't believe me? Watch the video!

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon on the Blog.

Go forth and be glad that this woman is not your mother.

I mean it, damn it!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Warning! This Blog Not Valid In Kansas

Here's to you, smart citizens of Kansas!

Here's to those of you who've fought (and continue to fight) the fascist fundie takeover of your children's education.

The flat-earthers and Jesus' Dinosaur lovers may not understand the full weight of this message from the Ig Nobel administrators, but they'll know you're still fighting for the children of your state when they find one of these little gems inside a book or stuck (with a non-permanent adhesive) to the outside of a consumer product.

Click the Ig Nobel link above and print out an entire page of warning labels.

What's the matter with Kansas?

Friday, November 11, 2005

This Week's
Backside Of The Bell Curve

"It's official!
I'm too damned stupid to be your US Senator!"

US Senator Bill Frist
(AKA The Physician who proclaimed
that blind Terri Schiavo could see a balloon move...
after watching an edited videotape of her,
provided by her parents)

CIA Leak Worries Frist More Than Prisons


WASHINGTON - Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says he is more concerned about the leak of information regarding secret CIA detention centers than activity in the prisons themselves.

Frist told reporters Thursday that while he believed illegal activity should not take place at detention centers,
he believes the leak itself poses a greater threat to national security and is "not concerned about what goes on" behind the prison walls.

Surely, the reporter misunderstood the eminent videotape diagnostician!

"My concern is with leaks of information that jeopardize your safety and security — period," Frist said. "That is a legitimate concern."


I still have to wonder if the reporter gave the (cough) good Senator (cough) a chance to explain how horrible it would be for the US to be known as The United States of Torture.

Frist was asked if that meant he was not concerned about investigating what goes on in detention centers.

"I am not concerned about what goes on and I'm not going to comment about the nature of that," Frist replied.

Jesus, JFK, and The Jackson Five!

Without KKKarl Rove's daily talking points blast faxes, these BushCo bastards are really screwed, aren't they?

Your scrivener predicts a fun future for Billy The Frist, working in one of his family's hospitals ...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Judith Miller Has Blog
Eee Eye Eee Eye Ohh, Crap...

Yep, Judith Miller, fallen New York Times angel of BushCo death squad reporting, has begun blogging.

Judy has chosen "Judith" as the blog title...

"Dot Org" is supposed to lend the blog an air of gravitas that "Judy Miller's Blog"... er, wouldn't. And "The Judy Miller Post" would sound kind of dirty, wouldn't it? "Dot Org" is for sites like UNICEF, The Red Cross, and other groups with a mission.

Judy Miller has a blog mission, all right...

Me! Me! Look At Me! Love Me! Worship Me! Send Me Money!

There's an airbrushed to death photo of Judy on the homepage, and links for you to buy her books.


Down at the bottom of the page, you'll see the following links:

News Bio Books Articles First Amendment How to Help Contact

News- About Me

Bio- More About Me

Books- Send Me Money

Articles- Old Crap I've Written

First Amendment- My Alibi

How To Help- Tell Congress To Make Me Look Good, Damn It!

Contact- Tell Me How Wonderful I Am!

The best thing about Judy Miller's Blog (Besides providing us smart ass bloggers with hysterically funny subject matter)?

The webmaster, Jonathan Tanzer, knows how to showcase Judy Miller's true strength...

Lots and lots of white space.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Terminator Totally Terminated

Early this morning, Arnold the Governator was still hoping at least one of his special election propositions would pass...

"One is the loneliest nummbah,
but I'll claim victory if just one of my props passes!"

Too bad, Governator. You lose.

Dick Cheney BIG TIME.

A humbled Schwarzenegger vows bipartisan cooperation

Associated Press

LOS ANGELES - "It's time to put the special election behind us, to work together, to stop the fighting."

That's what a chastened Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger told supporters Tuesday evening, as California voters rejected all four of his "year of reform" ballot measures on the statewide special election ballot. --snip--

With his popularity in tatters after a bruising, multimillion dollar campaign, a smiling Schwarzenegger reaffirmed his goal of bringing lasting change to state government - but this time working with legislators on issues that matter to voters.

4 propositions.

4 defeats.

Way to go, California!

Arnold, you've just been terminated:

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Tony Blair Blames France For Iraq War: News From The Land Of HUH?

There are 15 UN Security Council member nations.
9 votes were needed to support a second "Let's invade Iraq" resolution.
4 member nations voiced their support.

So, according to Bush's poodle, France is to blame for the death and destruction Bush and Blair authorized?

I smell desperation.

Blair blames France for Iraq war in reply to diplomat's claims

By Colin Brown, Deputy Political Editor
UK Independent

Mr Blair told journalists: "If you go back and look at what happened in March 2003, I think you will see that I made the most strenuous efforts to get a second UN resolution and to end up with a second resolution that would have given us more time. The fact is, we couldn't get one for a very simple reason: the French made it clear they would veto any such resolution."

Hey, Tony!

The world called to tell you how they feel about your latest crapfest rationale for your Iraq folly...


Monday, November 07, 2005

And Raise Your Banners High:
Freeway Blogger Mystifies Florida Reporters

Neither Nicole Johnson, Nicole's trusty contributing staff writer, Will Van Sant, nor a single one of Nicole's editors has any idea how ignorant their newspaper looks today. Add Pinellas County law enforcement officers to that list, too, for asking local Democratic Party officials if they were behind the mysterious freeway overpass anti-Bush banner.

Source of impeachment banner remains unknown

County officials don't know who hung a political banner on the Pinellas Trail overpass, but they took it down as soon as they heard about it.

Published November 6, 2005

PALM HARBOR - Motorists and pedestrians passing the Pinellas Trail overpass just north of Curlew Road one morning last week were asked to take on a hefty task.

"Impeach Bush Now!" read a large white banner hanging from the overpass. --snip--

... the head of the local Democratic Party says the banner is an indication that things in the traditionally Republican area may be changing.

Hey, Nicole!


Here's what you do:

1) Put paint on cardboard

2) Put cardboard on freeway

3) Repeat

So many Freeway Bloggers...

So few informed reporters, editors, and law enforcement officials.

Heavy sigh.

Opinions surely abound each time a freeway blog banner is raised.


Sunday, November 06, 2005

Today's Sermon:
And user stats shall lead them...

Today's guest minister: Brian Sack, author of "Shopping For God," Radar Magazine

The Gospel(s), according to Brian:

A few weeks ago introduced “Text Stats,” a nifty little feature that boils a book down to its core, allowing you to understand it without having to read it. (Great news for people who don’t have time to get into all the words and page-turning that reading burdens you with.) When Text Stats is applied to the world’s major religions, it creates a handy roadmap to eternity, a sort of Consumer Reports for the soul.

Brian's Amazon analysis of the Bible, the Torah, the Koran and Life's Little Instruction Book yielded some rather surprising results:


The readability stat is based on various arcane calculations that estimate the years of education required to understand what you’re reading.

Bible: You should be close to finishing the 10th grade.
Torah: You should be close to graduating from high school.
Koran: You should have at least a ninth-grade education.
Life’s Little Instruction Book: You should be beginning your final year in middle school.
Everyone knows being Jewish makes you smarter; that’s why they all wear glasses.

Winner: Torah

Common Words

Text Stats determines what words come up most often in a given work.

Bible: Shall, unto, Lord
Torah: Shall, unto, Lord
Koran: God, shall, Lord
Life’s Little Instruction Book: Book, little, instruction
Life’s Little Instruction Book plays it safe by keeping it real, and it really pays off: All that Jewish, Christian and Muslim “shall” stuff sounds really bossy.

Winner: Life’s Little Instruction Book


Text Stats tells you the number of words in a book for every dollar it costs.

Bible: 61,889
Torah: 6,869
Koran: 19,619
Life’s Little Instruction Book: 2,707

The best bang for your buck is the Bible, which offers readers nearly 62,000 words per dollar.

Winner: the Bible

Overall winner: Life’s Little Instruction Book.
Sure, it’s no bargain, but it’s the quickest read—not to mention the easiest. (If we’re going to bother finding a belief system, it better be something fast and digestible.) But the greatest strength of Life’s Little Instruction Book is that the odds of it inciting, inspiring or igniting anything are extremely slim. Which makes it our favorite good book of all.

Quick read?




Hm. Sounds like those "modern, user-friendly, anti-King James versions" of the Bible...

But that's loaves and fishes for another Sunday.

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon.

Go forth today, knowing that is probably not the definitive path to religious enlightenment. It is, however, an excellent place to find great prices on used holy texts...

Bible ($8.24)
Torah ($7.89)
Koran ($1.50)
Life’s Little Instruction Book ($0.94)

By the way, a simple google search yielded over 35 million hits for the term "free Bible."

Therefore, I say unto you: It's OK to doubt the sincerity of a true believer who sells a holy book through or any other broker.

I mean it, damn it!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Bush Orders Staff to Attend Ethics Briefings

From the YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP department:

Bush Orders Staff to Attend Ethics Briefings

White House Counsel to Give 'Refresher' Course

By Jim VandeHei
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, November 5, 2005; Page A02

President Bush has ordered White House staff to attend mandatory briefings beginning next week on ethical behavior and the handling of classified material after the indictment last week of a senior administration official in the CIA leak probe.
And Harriet Miers will be in charge? I'm serious. You can't make this stuff up!

As a result, "the White House counsel's office will conduct a series of presentations next week that will provide refresher lectures on general ethics rules, including the rules of governing the protection of classified information," according to the memo, a copy of which was provided to The Washington Post by a senior White House aide.
Can it possibly get any weirder than this? George W. Popularity-Challenged says:

"I understand that there is a preoccupation by polls by some," the president said.
By some?

Like you and your ethically-challenged cabal, whose only concrete plan to address your administration's ethics deficit last weekend at Camp David was this piss poor plan to conduct REMEDIAL ETHICS LESSONS during the work hours on the taxpayers' dime?

It's pretty damned obvious that the Bush administration never read their beloved Bibles, isn't it?

Next week's meeting is for West Wing aides with security clearance, which allows them to view and discuss sensitive or classified material. Information about Plame was classified. Rove is among those aides who must attend.
If, as every rightwing apologist claims, no one in the White House had anything to do with disclosing the identity of covert CIA agent, Valerie Plame...

Why drag out the power point presentation equipment and require everyone to attend Ethics 101: Do Over seminars next week?

I'm sure there will be bagels, fruit cups, and nice binders full of handouts, too.

Harriet Miers is known for her attention to detail, as well as her love of Jesus.

I hope she passes out Bibles with those bagels.

Exodus 23:1

Friday, November 04, 2005

Republicans Call Christians "Wackos"

That's right, Christians. Sadly, you've been punked, and I mean you've been punked BIG TIME!

Republican Tom DeLay's former aide, Republican Michael Scanlon, and notorious Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff call you "Wackos" and discuss how to work you into a religious frenzy in order to get you to divert public attention from their casino scam biz interests.

And you know who helps these distinctly un-Christian Republicans manipulate those of you "Wackos" whose trust in Christian principles makes you their #1 target?

The "good Christians" you trust from the "Christian right, Christian radio, mail, the internet and telephone trees."

Here's page 119 of the US Senate's Abramoff-Scanlon (and pals) documented evidence:

From page 119:

The wackos get their information through the Christian right, Christian radio, mail, the internet and telephone trees. Simply put, we want to bring out the wackos to vote against something and make sure the rest of the public lets the whole thing slip past them.

From page 120:

Christian Radio

Most likely we will need to create a broad buzz among our supporters, and a quick way to do this is by advertising on Christian Radio. We will produce and air at least two ads that give biblical reasons why Pinnacle should be blocked and the tracks shut down. These will run at the appropriate times and exclusively on Christian Radio.

Cost $200,000.00

That's right. Your trusted Christian leaders, radio announcers, internet bloggers, and phone tree managers are in on the scam.

Here's the deal, true Christians. You may hate everything Democrats stand for, but at least you know where you stand with Democrats. They're not out to scam you into helping them pad their own wallets and betray the misplaced trust of vulnerable groups like Native Americans.

To those of you too embarrassed to admit that you've been manipulated-- and claim that Scanlon and Abramoff are merely 2 bad apples, just blowing off steam, or only guilty of frat boy pranks-- and this is just an isolated incident...

I hereby name you

This Week's
Backside Of The Bell Curve

To those of you true believers who follow the teachings of Jesus, embrace the golden rule, and are open to Christ's warnings about the Pharisee...

I'm truly sorry that you had to learn this lesson the hard way: the end does not justify the means.