Sunday, February 03, 2008

Today's Sermon: "The Church Bitch"

Every congregation has one. In real life, they're not at all like Dana Carvey's "Church Lady" character... they're neither funny nor harmless.

You know the Church Bitch. (Even if you don't worship, you probably know her as The Office Bitch.) She's the self-righteous zealot who "knows best" and always keeps a watchful eye out for anyone she suspects might --just might, mind you-- fit into her personal database of potential blasphemers, Satanic sin merchants, and (Gasp!) homosexuals.

Most congregations tolerate The Church Bitch because she's usually one of the biggest annual tithers. And she believes that she deserves to have a say in church affairs directly proportional to her pocketbook.

Today's Church Bitch is currently stirring up her little cauldron of crap here in DC...

Homophobia, She Wrote

...A female choir member at the Greater Mount Calvary Holy Church on Rhode Island Ave outed over 100 church members in two separate emails to Bishop Alfred Owens, Jr.

The first email, sent last month, named 45 members as gay; the second email, sent earlier this month, names over 60 additional people. An anonymous gay former church member supplied the Washington Blade with copies of the email messages, edited not only to remove the names of those who were outed, but also the person who sent them.

In one of the messages, the female choir member wrote, "I will be leaving the choir at the top of the year because 80 percent of the tenors are homosexuals and act more like a female in choir rehearsal than I do." Further on, she wrote, "The following people I am asking you to monitor very closely and my prayer is that you will sit them down from their ministries, because they are ushering in the presence of sin, lies, a spirit of homosexuality and sexual spirits."

She mentions specific gay bars such as Halo and the Fireplace, parties they go to, and even comes up with some curiously acute percentages of members who are gay. ("... 90.9 percent of the tenors in Sanctuary choir are homosexual. 99.9 percent of all the tenors in Celebration Choir are homosexual.") Copies of the messages also went out to over 300 church members via the church's Yahoo group.

Now, that's a bona fide Church Bitch.

Thus endeth today's sermon.

Go forth today and consider standing up to The Church Bitches in your life.

And remember that most bullies are easily defeated. Even Dorothy, "the small and meek," took down the witch and exposed the wizard. And all she had was a healthy sense of right and wrong.

Think about it.

I mean it, damn it!

Best bar bet in the world: Delilah didn't do it.
Judges 16:19-- and and


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