The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Election Day, 2004

TV Guide can't help you navigate this TV extravaganza...

Especially if BushCo "suddenly" starts an all out Shock & Awe attack on Fallujah before network evening news hairdos sit down in their makeup chairs.

Wouldn't it be fun to watch hours of election coverage and "Let's Play War!" simultaneously?

Frankly, I wouldn't put it past BushCo to make this little gem of a ratings bonanza happen!

Especially since they've got to be obsessing over the facts contained in this graph:



This graph shows the current number of electoral votes for each candidate since May 24, Remember that after some event is in the news, it takes several days before it is reflected in the polls. The brown horizontal line shows the 270 electoral vote mark needed to be elected president. The gray vertical lines show the boundaries between the months. LINK

Here's your handy dandy blank USA map. Grab blue and red markers this evening, and color in the states as results are announced (Scroll down for poll closing times and each state's number of electoral votes):

Right Click Image; Click View Image To Enlarge; Click File; Click Print

From where I sit, here's what to expect tonight:

7 PM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

Georgia (15)
Kentucky (8)
Indiana (11)
South Carolina (8)
Vermont (3)
Virginia (13)

(Some Florida and New Hampshire polling stations close as well.)

Watch for:
Senate results for Daniel Mongiardo (Kentucky) or Inez Tenenbaum (South Carolina): If early numbers are good for these two, Dems have a chance of taking the Senate.
7:30 PM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

Ohio (20)
West Virginia (5)

If Kerry is ahead in either Ohio or West Virginia, Bush-Cheney staffers will start caressing their Supreme W. Court Trial Lawyers' speed dial buttons.

8 PM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

Alabama (9)
Connecticut (7)
Delaware (3)
District of Columbia (3)
Florida (27)***
Illinois (21)
Kansas (6)
Maine (4)
Maryland (10)
Massachusetts (12)
Mississippi (6)
Missouri (11)
New Hampshire (4)
New Jersey (15)
Oklahoma (7)
Pennsylvania (21)
Tennessee (11)

If Bush* wins New Jersey, Kerry-Edwards staffers will activate their Lawyers' speed dial buttons.

Senate Races To Watch:
If Brad Carson (Oklahoma) and Betty Castor (Florida) win, Dems will be one step closer to taking the Senate. If Bush* doesn't win New Hampshire, Florida 2004 will look just like Florida 2000. If Kerry wins Ohio and Florida outright, Bush*'s only hope is another 5-4 Supreme W. Court decision.

8:30 PM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

Arkansas (6)
North Carolina (15)

If numbers are too close to call in either of these two states, Bush* staffers will need fresh underwear.

9 PM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

Arizona (10)
Colorado (9)
Louisiana (9)
Nebraska (5)
New Mexico (5)
New York (31)
Michigan (17)
Minnesota (10)
Rhode Island (4)

South Dakota (3)
Texas (34)
Wisconsin (10)
Wyoming (3)

If Bush* has clearly won Ohio, Florida, and Arkansas, call your broker, buy gold, and go to bed.

If Kerry has won Pennsylvania and either New Hampshire or Maine... and if Ohio and Florida are still up in the air, pass the Jiffy Pop and settle in for a long night.

If Kerry takes either Arizona or Colorado, Scalia's phone will ring.

Senate Races To Watch:
If Tom Daschle (North Dakota) and Ken Salazar (Colorado) win, and Castor and Carson have already won, the Democrats will take control. Without those victories, you'll be staring at Frist's ugly C-Span mug for at least two more years.

If Colorado's amendment (to spit electoral college votes) passes, and both candidates are still neck and neck, Colorado might decide the election. We won't know that until all states have declared winners.

Note: Republicans have spent a fortune trying to defeat this initiative in a state where they assumed they would gain 9 electoral votes easily.

10 PM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

Iowa (7)
Montana (3)
Nevada (5)
Utah (5)

If a clear winner isn't declared shortly after 10 PM Eastern Time, we'll probably have to wait until December to find out who our president will be.

11 PM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

California (55)
Hawaii (4)
Idaho (4)
North Dakota (3)
Oregon (7)
Washington (11)

By now, we either have a clear winner or a contested election, in which case 20,000 evil Dem trial Lawyers start waking up judges (a la Law & Order) to file injunctions; hundreds of thousands of union workers start their phone tree calls and consider the biggest work stoppage this country has ever seen; Renquist's chief clerk guides the deathbed hand's signature on some kind of evil legal statement; and, millions of angry Dem voters prepare to stage the biggest multiple protest marches the world has ever seen.

If, perchance, the idea of the above scenario makes the last few powerful quasi-rational Republican Party members queasy, we may have to wait for the results from Alaska (3) before they browbeat George W. into conceding.

1 AM Eastern Time:

Polls close in

Alaska (3)

Senate Race To Watch:
If Democrat Tony Knowles (Alaska) wins, Dems will either tie or win the Senate (if earlier Senate races tipped toward Dems).


In any case, Dems aren't rolling over and playing dead this time, George W.!

You may have scared your base shitless with fears of wolves in flowing robes attacking the Toad Suck Ferry, Arkansas, Wal-Mart, but you should have prepared your faithful flock for their worst nightmare: seriously pissed off patriots!

There are more of us liberals than there are of you neocons, George W.!

Were we as evil as you portray us, we would have made our own videotapes with messages like this one: