Sunday, December 19, 2004

Worst. Christmas Films. Ever.

There are many bodaciously baaaaaad Christmas films out there, and the tradition of Bad Christmas Film Procreation continues to this day.

On the TV front...

Not only do we have to suffer New&Improved Claymation Knockoffs every year, we cable subscribers are also blessed (cough) with The Hallmark Channel, brought to us by (Yep! You guessed it!) the Sappy Greeting Card People, who have decided that there should be at least one dopey celluloid Christmas entrée each and every December.

But, Wait!

There's More!

The people who bring us new sappy celluloid Christmas entrées each December have realized that they already have a Capone's vault full of these residuals-are-cheaper-than-new productions!

And they're on every TV channel with the word family associated with it.

But That's Not All!

If you honestly believe that all Country slash Western stars can act, TV Christmas fare is for you!

As for the diehard feature length motion picture lover, there are enough baaad Christmas films to choke a horse dressed up like a reindeer!

Before we begin our countdown...

There are several elements inherent in the Baaad Christmas Film:

Christmas Must Be Saved!

Yes, Boys & Girls, you might not get presents from Santa if the bad guys win!

Santa Is A Helpless Twit!

Someone (usually a lawyer, a couple of orphans, or a redundantly wisecracking smart ass) always has to save a clueless, worthless Santa (Think Whoopi Goldberg).

There Is Always A Deus Ex Machina Ending!

Someone always uses some villain vulnerability to save both Santa's big red ass and Christmas, itself!

And now...

Your Scrivener's Top 5 Worst Christmas Films Ever:


Santa With Muscles

Genre: Family / Comedy

Tagline: He's naughty, He's nice, and He's coming to save Christmas.

Plot Outline: An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.


Earnest Saves Christmas

Genre: Family / Comedy

Tagline: A holiday comedy unlike any other!

Want to bet?

Plot Outline: Ernest helps Santa Claus as he searches for his successor.


Santa Claus: The Movie

Genre: Adventure / Family / Fantasy

Tagline: The Legend Comes To Life.

Plot Outline: The first half of this film, set hundreds of years ago, shows how the old man who eventually became Santa Claus was given immortality and chosen to deliver toys to all the children of the world. The second half moves into the modern era, in which Patch, the head elf, strikes out on his own and falls in with an evil toy manufacturer who wants to corner the market and eliminate Santa Claus.


Jingle All The Way

OK, It's not Santa...

It's Ahhhnold The Gropenator.

And, instead of saving Christmas for everyone, the happiness of one little white suburban boy is at stake, which is of course much more important!

Such a shame that Phil Hartman was so good in such a baaad film!

Genre: Action / Family / Adventure / Comedy

Tagline: Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners.

Plot Outline: A harried father decides to dream the impossible dream, to get that year's hot toy for his son just before Christmas Day.

(Cue Drum Roll!)

There is, of course, the Gold Standard of Baaad Christmas films, against which all others will forever be compared...


Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Genre: Family / Sci-Fi / Fantasy

Tagline: Blast off for Mars... with Santa and a pair of Earth kids!

Plot Outline: The Martians kidnap Santa because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents. Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extol the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

You want scary?

SCQTM is no more than a bastardization of The Iliad...

With really baaaad costumes!

Think about it:

Santa Claus/Helen is kidnapped from his/her homeland and taken to Mars/Troy.

Humans/Greeks send a force to bring him/her back. (Granted the humans' rocket never gets to Mars.)

Some of the Martians/Greeks want to send Santa/Helen home and some want to keep him/her.

Santa/Helen grows to love the people of Mars/Troy for the most part.

Patroclus takes Achilles' armor, is mistaken for him, and subsequently killed. (Droppo steals Santa's spare outfit, is mistaken for Santa, and is kidnapped.)

At least, those guys in The Iliad didn't take time out to dance...

Next Week...

A Recap Of The Best & The Worst Of Christmas 2004!


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