Delilah Boyd: Worst. Christmas Films. Ever.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Worst. Christmas Films. Ever.

There are many bodaciously baaaaaad Christmas films out there, and the tradition of Bad Christmas Film Procreation continues to this day.

On the TV front...

Not only do we have to suffer New&Improved Claymation Knockoffs every year, we cable subscribers are also blessed (cough) with The Hallmark Channel, brought to us by (Yep! You guessed it!) the Sappy Greeting Card People, who have decided that there should be at least one dopey celluloid Christmas entrée each and every December.

But, Wait!

There's More!

The people who bring us new sappy celluloid Christmas entrées each December have realized that they already have a Capone's vault full of these residuals-are-cheaper-than-new productions!

And they're on every TV channel with the word family associated with it.

But That's Not All!

If you honestly believe that all Country slash Western stars can act, TV Christmas fare is for you!

As for the diehard feature length motion picture lover, there are enough baaad Christmas films to choke a horse dressed up like a reindeer!

Before we begin our countdown...

There are several elements inherent in the Baaad Christmas Film:

Christmas Must Be Saved!

Yes, Boys & Girls, you might not get presents from Santa if the bad guys win!

Santa Is A Helpless Twit!

Someone (usually a lawyer, a couple of orphans, or a redundantly wisecracking smart ass) always has to save a clueless, worthless Santa (Think Whoopi Goldberg).

There Is Always A Deus Ex Machina Ending!

Someone always uses some villain vulnerability to save both Santa's big red ass and Christmas, itself!

And now...

Your Scrivener's Top 5 Worst Christmas Films Ever:

#5

Santa With Muscles

Genre: Family / Comedy

Tagline: He's naughty, He's nice, and He's coming to save Christmas.

Plot Outline: An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.

#4

Earnest Saves Christmas

Genre: Family / Comedy

Tagline: A holiday comedy unlike any other!

Want to bet?

Plot Outline: Ernest helps Santa Claus as he searches for his successor.

#3

Santa Claus: The Movie

Genre: Adventure / Family / Fantasy

Tagline: The Legend Comes To Life.

Plot Outline: The first half of this film, set hundreds of years ago, shows how the old man who eventually became Santa Claus was given immortality and chosen to deliver toys to all the children of the world. The second half moves into the modern era, in which Patch, the head elf, strikes out on his own and falls in with an evil toy manufacturer who wants to corner the market and eliminate Santa Claus.

#2

Jingle All The Way

OK, It's not Santa...

It's Ahhhnold The Gropenator.

And, instead of saving Christmas for everyone, the happiness of one little white suburban boy is at stake, which is of course much more important!

Such a shame that Phil Hartman was so good in such a baaad film!

Genre: Action / Family / Adventure / Comedy

Tagline: Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners.

Plot Outline: A harried father decides to dream the impossible dream, to get that year's hot toy for his son just before Christmas Day.

(Cue Drum Roll!)

There is, of course, the Gold Standard of Baaad Christmas films, against which all others will forever be compared...

#1

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Genre: Family / Sci-Fi / Fantasy

Tagline: Blast off for Mars... with Santa and a pair of Earth kids!

Plot Outline: The Martians kidnap Santa because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents. Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extol the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

You want scary?

SCQTM is no more than a bastardization of The Iliad...

With really baaaad costumes!

Think about it:

Santa Claus/Helen is kidnapped from his/her homeland and taken to Mars/Troy.

Humans/Greeks send a force to bring him/her back. (Granted the humans' rocket never gets to Mars.)

Some of the Martians/Greeks want to send Santa/Helen home and some want to keep him/her.

Santa/Helen grows to love the people of Mars/Troy for the most part.

Patroclus takes Achilles' armor, is mistaken for him, and subsequently killed. (Droppo steals Santa's spare outfit, is mistaken for Santa, and is kidnapped.)

At least, those guys in The Iliad didn't take time out to dance...

Next Week...

A Recap Of The Best & The Worst Of Christmas 2004!

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From The Blog Box:

A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope. But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children. Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).

Ammunition In Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 9th December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!

Pauline (AKA "That Bitch in HR")

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and, instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.

Scrivener Humor
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves... ...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."

Psst! Only first-time visitors are counted, y'all!

Delilah Boyd

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Worst. Christmas Films. Ever.

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