Today's Sermon: Make 'Em Laugh!

For those of us too embarrassed to purchase Weekly World News (the rag that brought us Bat Boy) at the grocery store checkout counter, there's an online version with an, er, impressive Religion section.

With headlines like these, it's no wonder this paper is so popular...

GOOD LORD! MOST CHURCH-GOING GUYS ARE PRAYING FOR HOT SEX

IN A MAJOR survey of men who regularly attend church, 94.7 percent of them admit that during the service they are completely preoccupied with thoughts of voluptuous Hispanic actress Salma Hayek -- nude!




MINISTER STARTS 'CHURCH OF GEORGE W. BUSH'

WHILE many evangelicals consider George W. Bush to be the most religious President in a long time, a Texas minister is taking it a big step further: He's open The First Church of George. W. Bush.

FREAKY GOOD FRIDAY! GOD SWITCHES PLACES WITH BUS DRIVER

WEEKLY WORLD NEWS has learned that just a few weeks ago, on Good Friday, God exchanged places for the day with bus driver Marty Kowalski of Des Moines, Iowa.

25 SIGNS YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!

Chances are, you're going to Hell, says a Bible scholar.

TO HELL WITH SERENITY... DALAI LAMA LOSES COOL OVER BRATTY 6-YEAR-OLD

"GO AWAY kid, you're bothering me." Who would've thought those words would come out of the mouth of the Dalai Lama?

CITY COUNCILMAN ARGUES BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIANS NEED NEW BIRTH CERTIFICATES

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

MINISTER TOUTS 'JESUS CONDOMS' TO END TEENAGE SEX

What Would Jesus Do? Only a WWJD condom can save young Jezebel and Jacob from succumbing to lustful temptation.

BATTLE OF THE 7-FOOT MESSIAHS

The Messiah is a 7-foot-tall blond David Hasselhoff look alike and he's coming to save the planet from another 7-foot messiah that amazingly resembles Osama Bin Laden!

FROM EVE TO JEZEBEL . . . SEXIEST WOMEN IN THE BIBLE!

Here's a secret reason so many men read The Holy Bible from cover to cover -- its pages are packed with sexy babes!

NEW LESBIAN BIBLE BOOTS MEN OUT OF GOOD BOOK

In an occurrence bound to outrage the Religious Right, a San Francisco publisher is about to release the world's first lesbian version of the Bible! LINK

Today's Hymn (from Bat Boy, The Musical)...

Christian Charity

SHERIFF: Evening folks!
SHELLEY: Whatcha got?
SHERIFF: Doctor home?
MEREDITH: No, he's not.
SHERIFF: Wen's he back?
MEREDITH: An hour or so.
SHELLEY: The heck is that?
SHERIFF: Well, I don't know.

MEREDITH: What in the world?
SHELLEY: Where did you find?
MEREDITH: What is he doing?
SHELLEY: He's out of his mind!
MEREDITH: Is he in pain?
SHELLEY: Is he insane?
SHERIFF: Maybe and possibly, let me explain.
(Sheriff knocks Bat Boy down with his pistol.)

MEREDITH AND SHELLEY: No!

SHERIFF: Aw, heck. Maybe I shouldn'tve done that.
But that boy was hoppin' like a scalded dog.

MEREDITH: Boy?

SHERIFF: Maybe. Frankly, that's why I'm here.
I figure maybe we need a veterinarian to sort this out.
I'm hoping Dr.Parker will know what to do.
I didn't know where else to take him...

SHELLEY: Mom!
MEREDITH: Shelley, quiet!

SHERIFF: Can't go to jail, he's underage.

SHELLEY: Mom!
MEREDITH: Shelley, quiet!

SHERIFF:
Folks up at the Med School, bet they'd carve him up or bake him.
I'd send the FBI a page, but I don't think we're at that stage-
So, here he is folks, he's all yours.
Couldn't leave him out of doors, creepin' on all fours.
We could always shoot him but that don't seem right to me.
'N I can't rid myself o' my Christian Charity.

SHELLEY: Can we see him?
MEREDITH: Shelley- get away!
SHERIFF: You listen to your mother, Shelley.
You don't want to be near if it wakes up.
It bit one of the Taylor kids.

MEREDITH: Shelley, don't stare- Shelley, don't poke.
What is this, sheriff, some kind of sick joke?

SHELLEY: Mom, he's so gross! Mom, can he stay?

SHERIFF: Shel, I was hopin' you'd see it that way.
I'm comin' up for re-election.

SHELLEY: Mom!
MEREDITH: Shelley, quiet!

SHERIFF: I gotta bring this thing to heel.

SHELLEY: Mom!
MEREDITH: Shelley, quiet!

SHERIFF: A boy with his complextion's gonna meet with some objections,
'N I think I know how folks will feel once they hear this "Bat Child" is for real.

SHELLEY: It's a bat child? MOM! We gotta keep it!

MEREDITH:
All right, sheriff. Dr. Parker has some cages. I'll take care of the boy for you.

SHERIFF: Ah, that's great, Meredith. I can't thank you enough for the favor.
And if he turns into a pain, call me, I've got stun guns and a chain.
SHELLEY: WHOA!
MEREDITH: OH!

SHERIFF: (overlapping) So here he is folks, he's all yours.
I couldn't leave him out of doors, creeping on all fours.
We may have to put him down-

MEREDITH: (overlapping) Don't stare, Shelley- please don't poke.
Don't touch him, Shelley, don't provoke.

SHELLEY: (overlapping) Mom! Look at him! I know but Mom...
Look at him! What's wrong with him?

ALL: For now we'll wait and see!

SHERIFF AND MEREDITH: We can't rid ourselves of our Christian Charity.

SHERIFF: (overlapping) So, here he is folks, he's all yours.
Couldn't leave him out of doors, creeping on all fours.
Those thunderclouds are closing in-

MEREDITH: (overlapping) Don't stare, Shelley, please don't poke.
Don't touch him, Shelley, don't provoke!

SHELLEY: (overlapping) MOOOOOOOOOOMMM!
MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!

ALL: We can't just let him be.
We can't rid ourselves of our Christian Charity.
We can't rid ourselves of our Christian Charity.

SHELLEY: Mom!
MEREDITH: Shelley, quiet!

THUS ENDETH TODAY'S SERMON.

Go forth and laugh at the extreme weirdness of our little world, and know in your heart that somewhere...

Someone is also laughing at you.

And they might produce an Off-Broadway musical in your honor.

Learn to laugh!

I mean it, damn it!