Snarky Sermon on the Blog: It's Bush! It's Jesus! It's Both!

ALABAMA artist Frank Bear illustrated support for George W. Bush as a follower of Jesus Christ by this work, titled "Our Christian President." The artist pieced together individual portraits of Jesus Christ to make the image of President Bush. Despite criticism, Bear insists the artwork is not blasphemous. (RNS Photo)

The article accompanying this... um, artistic interpretation of the president's so-called faith includes the following passage:

At the time, everyone in Texas was talking about Bush's potential to become the next president. During the meeting, (Richard Land, president of the Southern Baptist Convention's Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission) Land recalled, Bush said, "I believe God wants me to be president, but if that doesn't happen, it's OK." Land points out that Bush didn't say that God actually wanted him to be president. He merely said he believed God wanted him to be president.

Hm. Doesn't Land seem a bit confused about divine infallibility here? A better question: Why did God need the US Supreme Court to appoint his chosen presidential pick?

Gee, I wonder if Jesus W. Bush could pass this quiz...

What Do You Really Know
About The Bible?

The bible is the "best seller" that is rarely read. How much do you actually know about the so-called "Good Book"?

Answer all 50 questions, then hit "Submit" for your score and full biblical documentation of all the answers.

1. What is the last of the Ten Commandments?

1. Don't steal.
2. Don't covet your neighbor's wife and property.
3. Don't boil a young goat in the milk of its mother.
4. Love your neighbor as yourself.

2. What is the penalty for working on the Sabbath?

1. You will be stoned to death.
2. Neither you nor your offspring to the 5th generation can enter the tabernacle.
3. You should sacrifice two unblemished she goats.
4. You will be disinherited from the kingdom.

3. What is God's name?

1. Jealous.
2. Righteous.
3. Holy.
4. Jehovah.

4. How should parents treat a stubborn and rebellious son?

1. He should be beaten seven times with a whip made of horsehair.
2. He should be stripped and humiliated at the gate of the city.
3. He should be expelled from the family.
4. He should be stoned to death.

5. What happens if you are not a virgin on your wedding night?

1. Your father must pay 100 shekels of silver to your husband.
2. You can never approach the altar.
3. You must dress in black and leave your husband for one year.
4. You will be stoned to death.

6. What does the bible say about witches?

1. Witches should be killed.
2. Witches are people possessed by demons and they are forever damned.
3. Witches can be saved if they are exorcised.
4. Witches are part of the mythology of idolatrous tribes.

7. Which of these foods does the bible expressly permit you to eat? (The others are "abominations.")

1. Pork.
2. Shellfish.
3. Locust.
4. Rabbit.

8. When the Israelites conquered the Midianites, what part of the spoils of war was given to the priest as "the Lord's tribute"?

1. 500 sheep.
2. 30,000 asses.
3. 32,000 cows.
4. 32 virgins.

9. What is the origin of the "mighty men" giants known as nephilim?

1. They were the offspring of God's angels and young women.
2. They were the result of an earlier, botched creation.
3. They were monsters from the evil nation of Nephi.
4. They were part of the "blessing of Abraham" that ensured military victory to God's chosen people.

10. What happened to Korah and his family, Israelites who thought they could deal directly with God without a human intermediary?

1. They became priests.
2. They were expelled from the nation of Israel.
3. The earth opened and swallowed them up.
4. They were stripped of all their belongings, houses, and livestock.

11. According to the bible, who created evil?

1. Adam.
2. Eve.
3. God.
4. Satan.

12. According to the bible, what is God not able to do?

1. Save the very worst sinners from hell.
2. Make a rock so huge he can't lift it.
3. Repel chariots of iron.
4. Make people tell lies.

13. According to the bible, where does God live?

1. On a throne in the seventh heaven.
2. In darkness.
3. Above the clouds.
4. On a planet between the sun and the stars.

14. According to biblical biology, what is a bat?

1. A bird.
2. A mammal.
3. An insect.
4. A mythical creature.

15. According to biblical anatomy, where does thinking happen?

1. In the heart.
2. In the brain.
3. In the kidneys.
4. In the lungs.

16. How did Gideon demonstrate his family values?

1. He lived with a young boy named Jether.
2. He and his wife Ophrah had three sons who became spiritual leaders.
3. He fathered 71 sons through his "many wives" and a mistress in Shechem.
4. He remained single, becoming the inspiration for St. Paul.

17. After Jephthah was victorious in battle, what sacrifice did he burn on the altar, as he had vowed to the Lord?

1. Himself.
2. His livestock.
3. Two unspotted lambs.
4. His virgin daughter.

18. What price did David pay King Saul for his first wife?

1. 500 cattle.
2. The heads of 100 Philistines.
3. The foreskins of 200 Philistines.
4. The swords, shields and horses of 300 Philistines.

19. How many sexual partners did King Solomon have?

1. One wife and 300 concubines.
2. One wife. (The concubines were servants.)
3. 300 wives.
4. One thousand sexual partners.

20. What happened to 42 little children who teased God's prophet Elisha for being bald and he cursed them in the name of the Lord?

1. They were whipped by their parents.
2. They and their descendants to five generations were forbidden to enter the tabernacle.
3. Two bears came out of the forest and killed them all.
4. They were forced to work seven years for the Levites as child slaves.

21. What reason did God give for tormenting Job?

1. "Job was a sinner. He deserved it."
2. "I didn't torment Job. Satan did it."
3. "Satan dared me, so I destroyed Job for no reason at all."
4. "I wanted to see how far a man would bend before breaking."

22. According to the bible, what does Satan look like?

1. A skinny red man with horns and a pointed tail.
2. A red dragon with 7 heads and 10 horns.
3. A garden snake.
4. An angel in a black robe.

23. How does the biblical god treat haughty women?

1. He makes them barren.
2. He puts scabs on their heads and uncovers their private parts.
3. He takes away their gold and expensive clothing.
4. The Holy Spirit causes them to feel shame for their arrogance.

24. In dollars (shekels), how much is a woman worth?

1. Half a male.
2. The same as a male.
3. Twice as much as a male.
4. Irrelevant. The bible does not put a financial value on human life.

25. What happens if a man rapes an engaged virgin in the city, and no one hears anything?

1. The man should pay her father 100 shekels of silver.
2. The man is stoned to death.
3. The woman is stoned to death.
4. They are both stoned to death.

26. What is the Mosaic Law punishment for being handicapped?

1. You will be stoned to death.
2. You must sacrifice two additional doves on the altar.
3. You are not allowed in church.
4. You must bathe for two months before entering the tabernacle.

27. According to the bible, when may a husband have sex with his wife?

1. As often as he likes. She is his property.
2. Not during her menstrual period.
3. As often as he likes until the first son is born, then by mutual agreement.
4. As often as the wife allows it.

28. How should you feel when you dash babies against the rocks?

1. Happy.
2. Ashamed.
3. It depends if the babies were guilty or innocent.
4. Nothing. It is all in God's hands.

29. How many human generations were there before Jesus?

1. "More numerous than the stars."
2. 144,000.
3. 412.
4. 62.

30. What Christmas tradition is expressly forbidden in the bible?

1. Singing carols house-to-house.
2. Exchanging gifts.
3. Christmas trees.
4. Kissing under the mistletoe.

31. According to Jesus, what must you do to have eternal life?

1. Obey the law and keep all the sacraments.
2. Sell everything you have and give all the money to the poor.
3. Attend church regularly and tithe ten percent of your income to God.
4. Confess your sins and ask Jesus to come into your heart.

32. According to Jesus, how should Christian disciples treat their parents?

1. Parents should be loved, honored and cared for.
2. Parents should be taken care of by the church community.
3. Parents should be hated.
4. Parents should be ignored--"Let the dead bury the dead"--because when you are born again, God becomes your true parent.

33. According to Jesus, how should slaves be treated?

1. They should be beaten daily to keep them in line.
2. They should be beaten for disobedience, but not more severely than they deserve.
3. They should be treated humanely, as members of the family.
4. They should be set free because slavery is wrong.

34. What did Jesus say about peace?

1. "Peace on earth, good will toward men."
2. "Don't think that I came for peace on earth. I came to start wars."
3. "Each person makes their own peace, according to their faith and how they treat others."
4. "There is no peace apart from God."

35. Which one of these phrases did Jesus not say about witnessing?

1. "Thou shalt not bear false witness."
2. "God is my witness."
3. "If I bear witness of myself, it is true."
4. "If I bear witness of myself, it is not true."

36. What personal sacrifice for "the kingdom of heaven" was Jesus talking about when he told his disciples, "He that is able to receive it, let him receive it"?

1. Leave your family.
2. Pluck out your eyes.
3. Become poor.
4. Castrate yourself.

37. According to New Testament medical advice, what should you do if you are sick?

1. Seek medical help from doctors ordained by God.
2. Ask the church elders to apply oil to your skin and pray for you.
3. Ask Jesus or the elders to exorcise the evil spirits from your body.
4. Kneel down before a brass serpent wrapped around a pole.

38. What does Paul prohibit a woman from wearing in church?

1. A hat, or any head covering.
2. Gold.
3. Necklaces, bracelets or anklets.
4. Men's clothing.

39. According to Paul, what is the role of women in the church?

1. Women are equal to men in all respects.
2. Women do the praying, singing and testifying, while men handle the preaching and finances.
3. Women must keep silent. They should learn from their husbands at home.
4. Women are not allowed in church except on high holidays.

40. What does Paul say about marriage?

1. "I wish everyone were single like me."
2. "Celibacy is a pagan practice."
3. "Elders and deacons may have more than one wife."
4. "If your feelings are only sexual, then don't get married."

41. Paul forbids divorce, but Jesus allows it under one circumstance. What is that circumstance?

1. If the husband has sex outside of marriage.
2. If the wife has sex outside of marriage.
3. If either has sex outside of marriage.
4. If the wife fails to produce a son.

42. What group of people will make it into the heavenly choir?

1. Those who are "poor in spirit."
2. Those who confess their sins and accept Jesus as their savior.
3. God's chosen people, the Jews.
4. 144,000 male virgins who have not been defiled with women.

43. Which one of these words is in the bible?

1. Trinity.
2. Liberal.
3. Christmas.
4. Rapture.

44. Where does the bible say that all men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights?

1. The laws of Moses.
2. Jesus's Sermon on the Mount.
3. The Book of Revelation.
4. Nowhere.

45. Should Christians allow nonbelievers into their homes?

Yes. No.

46. Should Christian men kiss each other?

Yes. No.

47. Should Christians always give what they have to anyone who asks for it?

Yes. No.

48. Do the Ten Commandments prohibit incest or rape?

Yes. No.

49. If you lose a lawsuit, should you pay exactly what the court decides?

Yes. No.

50. Can Christians ask their boss for a raise?

Yes. No.

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon.

Go forth today and ponder both the words and deeds of the man who credits and/or blames God for his presidential actions. And decide for yourself whether such actions are righteous... or not.

I mean it, damn it!

Best bar bet in the world: Delilah didn't do it.
Judges 16:19-- And she made him (Samson) sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head.