Sunday, December 02, 2007

Today's Sermon: Ginormous Touchdown Jesus

Or is it Ginormous Drowning Jesus?

Or is it I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Jesus?

Today's guest minister: Memoirs of a Gouda

Oh Jesus, That's Funny!

The Solid Rock Church in Mason, OH was always something of a trivial little monstrosity at which I would always gawk while traveling on I-75 either on my way to visit my grandparents in Hamilton or to a ballgame in Cincinnati. With its giant, lighted sign and elaborate Spanish mission architecture, it always seemed to my rather godless senses to be something like a comedic caricature of Christianity, an example of what's wrong with religion in this country, and the place to which I'd only rather go after being sprayed in the mouth with AIDS-tainted blood from a battalion of vampire crack whores in the middle of a Chuck E. Cheese full of screaming, puking preschoolers armed with spiked Whack-a-Mole bats on a 130 degree day. In other words, Solid Rock Church was really not my cup of tea.

Then, I moved away from Ohio, and I knew that if I was going to miss one thing, it wasn't going to be that ostentatious House of Gaud stinking up the countryside between Dayton and Cincinnati. What I didn't realize, however, was that the congregation was cooking up something special at ol' SRC. And that something?

Touchdown Jesus.

Now, this was not the intended name of the Christ-like sculpture rising from a reflective pool (or perhaps sinking into it like the Terminator into the molten steel at the end of Terminator 2: Judgment Day), but that is the label that has been bestowed upon this holy terror (and by "holy terror," I don't mean the 2-year olds who designed it), and in my opinion, it's GOOOOOOOD!

Sorry... I couldn't help myself.

But now I present a YouTube video someone made commemorating this Craptastic Christ Being Sucked Down the Drain. If ever I think this statue had a purpose, it was to make the rest of us laugh. I just hope that the folks at Solid Rock Church aren't suffering from the additional delusion of thinking that they are being laughed with.

Click here if you have trouble viewing the YouTube video.

Thus endeth today's sermon.

Go forth today and consider why a bunch of... um, "Ginormous Jesus" believers in Ohio felt the need to erect such a mockable (cough) work of art (cough). And imagine how many of the less fortunate among us could have been helped with the money spent on Ginormous Touchdown Jesus.

I mean it, damn it!

Best bar bet in the world: Delilah didn't do it.
Judges 16:19--


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