Delilah Boyd: You can't make this stuff up: <i>Amish National Security Threat</i>?

Saturday, July 17, 2004

You can't make this stuff up: Amish National Security Threat?

The Strange But True Tale of George W. Weirdo Frisking the Amish, Asking About Their Hats, And Refusing Their Food...

Bush quietly meets with Amish here; they offer their prayers
By Jack BrubakerLancaster New Era

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA - President Bush met privately with a group of Old Order Amish during his visit to Lancaster County last Friday. He discussed their farms and their hats and his religion.

These folks don't even believe in buttons, George. I'm sure they'll all skate down to the polling place and use those electronic voting machines for ya!

He asked them to vote for him in November. The Amish told the president that not all members of the church vote but they would pray for him.

They might be Armed And Dangerous?

"It took a while to get them through the metal detectors as these were farmers and shop men, with vice grips, pocket knives, and nuts and bolts in their pockets. Some ladies had baby gear. All pockets had to be emptied."

Wait! Rewind... Repeat...

It took a while to get them through the metal detectors...

Un-cheneying-believable...

When the Amish were "found not to be a serious threat to national security, " they were allowed inside the office area of Lapp Electric and waited about 30 minutes for the president to appear.

Question of the day: Are you George Bush?

"Suddenly the president and five Secret Service men stepped into the room. One housewife said, "Are you George Bush?'"The president replied in the affirmative and shook hands all around, asking the names of all.

Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Littwiller Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Littwiller Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Littwiller Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp Lapp

Hasn't this idiot seen Witness?

Bush said he had never met any Amish before and was curious about why the men were wearing straw hats rather than black wool hats. The Amish explained that they wear cooler straw in summer.

No, George! This cookie is not a gift from Ms. Goldberg!

One of the young girls wanted to give Bush a whoopie pie cookie," Stoltzfus says. "Bush declined it. The Secret Service man took it, as presidents aren't supposed to eat untested food."

How dangerous are those cookies, anyway?

Whoopie Pie Cookie
Ingredients: 1/2 cup shortening 1 cup white sugar 2 eggs 2 cups all-purpose flour 5 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder 1 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 cup milk 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 3/4 cup shortening 2 cups confectioners' sugar 1 pinch salt 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C). Grease cookie sheets.

In a large bowl cream 1/2 cup of shortening , 1 cup sugar and 2 egg yolks. (Set egg whites aside for filling.) NOTE: If you don't want to use raw egg white in the filling, leave it out. Substitute 1 whole egg for the 2 egg yolks in the cookie recipe so you don't end up with leftover whites!!

In a separate bowl sift together 2 cups flour, 5 T cocoa, 1 t baking powder, 1/2 t salt, 1 t baking soda. Add to other mixture alternately with milk, beating well. Add vanilla at the end.

Drop by large spoonful on greased pan. Bake for 10-15 minutes. Remove to wire rack and cool completely.

To Make Filling: Beat together 3/4 cup shortening, 2 cups confectioners' sugar, 2 egg whites and dash of salt till light. Add 1 tsp. vanilla.

To assemble: Spread the flat side of one cookie circle with a spoonful of filling. Top with another.
Makes 6 servings LINK

Be sure to tout your divinity, George. That's sure to impress the Amish!

At the end of the session, Bush reportedly told the group, "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job."LINK.

So who's crazier:
George W. Desperate
or
Son Of Sam?

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From The Blog Box:

A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope. But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children. Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).

Ammunition In Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 9th December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!

Pauline (AKA "That Bitch in HR")

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and, instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.

Scrivener Humor
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves... ...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."

Psst! Only first-time visitors are counted, y'all!

Delilah Boyd

Saturday, July 17, 2004

You can't make this stuff up: Amish National Security Threat?

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