Today's Sermon

Republic of God

A guide to the "secular purpose" of the Ten Commandments

by Paul Waldman, Editor-in-Chief
10.15.04

This week the Supreme Court announced that it would hear two cases concerning the placement of the Ten Commandments in public buildings. To some, this issue seems like a no-brainer: it would be hard to find a clearer violation of the First Amendment's prohibition of government sponsorship of religion. But polls show that a majority of Americans like the idea of putting up the Ten Commandments in government buildings. Chief among them is George W. Bush, who when running for president in 2000 said, "I have no problem with the Ten Commandments posted on the wall of every public place." Asked which version of the Commandments should be on the millions and millions of walls in every public place in America, he replied, "The standard version." Of course, there is no standard version, but for our purposes here I've used the King James version.

If we're going to be putting these up in courthouses, city halls, and public schools all over America, we'd better think through the public policy implications. So I thought I'd offer some suggestions, keeping in mind that those who want to post the Ten Commandments argue that they're really not about religion. According to the Washington Post, "In the Texas case the court granted yesterday, the state argues that its monument, placed among others on the capitol grounds, has no religious purpose or effect, but expresses the commandments' 'historic and secular role as a foundational text for Western culture and legal codes.'" All right then - let's run down the list:

I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage. Thou shalt have none other gods before me.
This one just screams "secular purpose," doesn't it? But it must be important, since it's right up at the top. Keeping up with this commandment won't be easy, but if it has to be done, it has to be done. We can certainly put a stop to abominations like this.

Thou shalt not make thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the waters beneath the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me, and showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments.
Easy there, big guy – jealousy never did anybody any good. Sounds like somebody needs to sit down with Dr. Phil and get in touch with His feelings. But hey, you're in charge, right? So no graven images it is! All those crucifixes are pretty creepy, anyway. And Mel Gibson's The Passion is pretty graven – we'll call H.R. 1 of the next session the "Passion Eradication Act of 2005." But I get to keep my signed picture of Carl Yastrzemski, right?

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
When I hear someone talk about not being held guiltless, there are two words that come to mind: John Ashcroft. He's definitely going to want to handle enforcement of this one personally. As for the nattering nabobs who think this shouldn't be part of public policy, you can all just shut your goddamn mouths. Oops! Looks like I'll be spending tonight in lockup!

Keep the sabbath day to sanctify it, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee. Six days thou shalt labor, and do all thy work. But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. And remember that thou wast a servant in the land of Egypt, and that the LORD thy God brought thee out thence through a mighty hand and by a stretched out arm: therefore the LORD thy God commanded thee to keep the sabbath day.
I've gotta tell you, my maidservant and manservant have been loafing around so much, they ought to work on the Sabbath just to make up for it. But this is the law of the land, right? Highly observant Jews have an interpretation of the word "work" that is a little strict, so we're certainly not going to impose that on everybody. And since we're an inclusive country, you can pick for yourself whether you want Saturday or Sunday to be your Sabbath. Just make sure you inform your local police department first, so they know whether to issue you a summons if they catch you working on your day of rest.

Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
Now Republicans haven't always been too pleased with the public policy implications of this one; after all, Newt Gingrich once said he wanted Medicare to "wither on the vine." But we can all agree that one shouldn't work out one's oedipal issues through the use of the U.S. military.

Thou shalt not kill.
It's a good thing this one's in there, because otherwise those liberal pinkos might have tried to repeal the laws against murder.

Neither shalt thou commit adultery.
This has always been a tough commandment to keep, particularly in Washington. But you've got to understand what it's like to be a member of Congress – all these 23-year-old girls who think you're practically a king, walking around your office every day, with their tight little outfits and their perfect little...well, let's just do our best to keep trying. Nobody's perfect.

Neither shalt thou steal.
We can all agree on this one as a good lesson for everyone. Of course, there will have to be some exemptions for certain classes of executives and corporate entities. But maybe it's time we expanded the definition of "stealing." For instance, one terrible morning in 1979, my sister brought a particularly nasty fight we were having to its dénouement by taking my brand-new copy of Bad Company's "Desolation Angels" and scratching it viciously with her fingernails. Was she not stealing from me? Did she not deserve to spend at least a few days in jail thinking about her crime?

Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbor.
President Bush is currently asserting that John Kerry wants to engineer a government takeover of the health care system, which everyone knows is a bogus charge. They both live in Washington. I smell indictment!

Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbor's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbor's.
It's tough to stop thought crimes, but I'll tell you, if I catch my neighbor coveting my wife's ass...but this one may require some rethinking. After all, coveting your neighbor's stuff is the engine that drives the American economy. Without it, we'd be like Europe, lounging around at the end of our 35-hour workweeks, enjoying two months vacation a year and generous government services. The fact that your neighbor just got a 42-inch plasma screen TV is what keeps you working hard, and we all benefit. So maybe we ought to stick to Nine Commandments.

There you have it. How could anyone think the Ten Commandments have anything but a secular purpose? LINK

OK. Four of the commandments are worth the stone they were carved on: Don't kill; Don't steal; Don't lie; Honor your elders (by not killing, stealing, or lying).

Basing modern secular law on ten random rules (designed to frighten the ignorant masses), carved by a professional stone cutter while all alone on a mountain top, makes about as much sense to me as accepting the sovereignty of your leader because a strange woman in a lake handed him a sword.