The Sermon on the Blog: Let's Go Church Shopping!

Church- \Church\, n. [OE. chirche, chireche, cherche, Scot. kirk,
from AS. circe, cyrice; akin to D. kerk, Icel. kirkja, Sw.
kyrka, Dan. kirke, G. kirche, OHG. chirihha; all fr. Gr.
the Lord's house, fr. concerning a master or lord, fr.
master, lord, fr. power, might; akin to Skr. [,c][=u]ra
hero, Zend. [,c]ura strong, OIr. caur, cur, hero. Cf.
{Kirk}.]
1. A building set apart for Christian worship.
2. A Jewish or heathen temple. [Obs.] --Acts xix. 37.
3. A formally organized body of Christian believers
worshiping together. ``When they had ordained them elders
in every church.'' --Acts xiv. 23.
4. A body of Christian believers, holding the same creed,
observing the same rites, and acknowledging the same
ecclesiastical authority; a denomination; as, the Roman
Catholic church; the Presbyterian church.

Now that we've established the dictionary definition(s), Let's go church shopping!

Urantia - The Urantia Book is sort of a Tolstoy-style history of the meaning of life, the Universe, and everything, and the answer is not as simple as "42." Have a scorecard handy to keep track of all the angels, demons, and other assorted characters!

Scientology - L. Ron Hubbard is the Grandaddy of Invented Religions for Fun and Profit. Click here for the Official Church home page. To find out what Scientology's been up to recently, just do a search on "Scientology" on any search engine, and I guarantee there'll be no dearth of information available. ;)

Islam - Guess what! Not all Muslims are scimitar-waving, bomb-crazy religious fanatics, which just goes to show you that fundamentalism is the bane of any religion. Find out about the Five Pillars of the Faith and what's really in the Koran.

The Baha'i Faith - Intelligent monotheism in a world that desperately needs it. Although I question their contention that they're the "second most widespread religion on earth", it should be, anyway. (Although a Baha'iist told me that claim originates from them allegedly being in more countries than any other religion.) Baha'iism teaches that racial prejudice is destructive, that men and women are equal, that all major faiths come from God, that everyone should be educated, that science is not the enemy of religion, that one must independently discover truth for one's self, and that God's creation is essentially good. Clearly, this dangerous faith must be destroyed before it makes the world safe for peace and harmony!!!

Jews for Jesus - I haven't yet figured out how you can combine these two religions, one of which is waiting for Jesus to come, and the other of which is waiting for him to come again, but these folks seem to think they know what they're doing.

Church of All Worlds - Did you ever read Robert Heinlein's "Stranger In A Strange Land?" These people did, and they founded an honest-to-Goddess religion based on the ideas of Michael Valentine Smith.

The Reformed Druids of North America - I'm glad they reformed because I don't like criminal Druids. ;) This is a bona fide religion that started out as a joke when some college students didn't want to attend required chapel services in college. They started holding quasi-religious Druidic services and began to find they were actually getting something out of it.

The Universal Life Church - Become an officially-ordained minister! I did! If you've never heard of the ULC, this is a bona fide religion and you can become one of their ministers on-line, which will give you the legal right to put "Reverend" before your name. The only qualification you must have is a pulse.

The Hare Krishna Home Page - "I'm just mad about Saffron..." The religion for people who are into yellow, look like Yul Brynner, and annoy you at the airport.

Aum Shinrikyo - Meet the friendly folks who brought you the 1995 Tokyo Subway Sarin Nerve Gas Attack!

Order of the Solar Temple - Jim Jones, eat your heart out! Ski & commit suicide en masse all on one great weekend.

Heaven's Gate - Who can forget those wild and crazy Trekkies who offed themselves so they could ride on a UFO travelling in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet and achieve eternal grokness??? And you thought Scientology was weird!

Principia Discordia - Don't be confused by the Holy Writings (although that's what the Goddess of Confusion would like you to be!) but this is a real, honest-to-Goddess religion. Okay, it may not take itself as seriously as other religions do, but there really are Discordians who worship Eris. You will find them in the Neo-Pagan movement, generally hiding the High Priestess' athame...

Concerned Christians - This Denver, Colorado-based apocalyptic doomsday cult takes the prize as the first major religious wacko group to make millennial headlines in 1999. Although it failed in its attempt to hasten Jesus Christ's return by drawing innocent Israeli policemen into a bloody shootout in Jerusalem the first week of the year, you can be sure they won't be the last, as Israel is attracting religious weirdos like doggy doo draws the perennial flies!

CADS - Christians & Domination/Submission - Beat me, hurt me, make me make you a chicken pot pie! This site is for real! Christians who have taken the whole ancient theology of female submission to whole new heights (or lows, as the case may be)! But they want you to understand...they're into MORAL bondage and slavery, they wouldn't want you for a MOMENT to think that they were into that sinful homosexuality and orgies and women voting stuff!

St. John Coltrane African Orthodox Church - Located in San Francisco, these is a real honest-to-God church...for 29 years, according to Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird via the Independent of London. They don't seem to tell you what they're all about, but I'll bet they have a wicked good music program!!!

Embassy of Heaven Church - Just who are all those nuts in camos with saucepans on their heads and Uzis in their hands? Are they wacko survivalists? Are they paramilitary nuts? Are they Christian cultists? Hey, they're all of the above!!!

Santeria - These are the folks who made animal sacrifice a constitutional right granted by the Supreme Court in the early '90s...if you sorta like Catholicism, and you sorta like Paganism, but you can't figure out which religion you want, why choose at all? Go Santerian and slaughter a chicken for the Mother!!!

Church Universal & Triumphant - It sounds like a spoof on weird vaguely Christian New Age religions from the description on their web page, but they're legit - founded by Elizabeth Clare Prophet and based on teachings by "Ascended Masters." One of the "salad bar religions," they draw inspiration from various figures Christian and non-Christian. Thanks to Tom Hart for passing this one along!

Jews For Allah - If you thought Jews for Jesus was weird, wait'll you check out Jews for Allah! Salaam Alaikum, Bubbeleh! They're ethnically Jewish and religiously Muslim...

Thelema - Yet another this-is-for-real weird religion! Pioneered by the late British occultist Aleister Crowley, Thelema is based on his books and writings. It combines ceremonial magic, an acknowledgement of a wide variety of deities, and explains all existence through two principles: the Space-Time Continuum and the Principle of Life & Wisdom. Thelema is an extra-heavy dose of weird, but then again Uncle Al wasn't exactly your garden-variety next-door neighbor...Thanks to Homeslice, who deified himself this week, for reminding me to put these weirdoes in with all us OTHER weirdoes!!!

The Church Of Body Modification - Yes, the piercers and tattooers et al have formed their own honest-to-goodness church. Pierce a nipple for your favorite deity, I guess...

Yes, Virginia, there is a church out there for you... if you're a skilled shopper!

Or you could skip the shopping, deify yourself, and start your own bona fide religion!




Go ahead. Click it. You know you want to!

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon.

Go forth in the knowledge that your personal choice of beliefs is infinite.

And I mean that, damn it!

Oh, by the way...

Choose your church wisely or suffer the wrath of the deity you choose to believe in.