Delilah Boyd: Today's Sermon: Are Mormons Funny?

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Today's Sermon: Are Mormons Funny?

We all know by now that former Governor Mitt Romney has a Bush brazillion dollars to spend on a presidential campaign. Naturally, most of us don't know Jack about Romney's religion; therefore, it's time we started learning about what makes a Mormon tick.

My first question:Are Mormons funny?

This temple baptistery probably doesn't seem funny to Mormons.

So, where does one go to find out about religions and humor?

Hm.

I googled "Funny Mormon" and found this:

Mormon Joke Quiz I

What type of Mormon Personality do you have?
Take this 10 question quiz to find out!

Q: When you hear Anti-Nephi-Lehi you think:

Nephi's stupid brothers
People of Ammon
The Liahona
The city of Mexico

Q: Administering the Sacrament means:

Passing the plate for donations
Planning a meeting
Going to California
Blessing of the Bread and Water

Q: A Stake President is:

The best steak cooker in town
The presider of the Stake and its members
The Bishop
The president of Saints Teaching And Keeping Endowments

Q: Seminary classes are:

Boring
For morning people only
For learning about graveyards
None of the above

Q: What year was the LDS Church founded?

1610
1720
1830
1940

Q: Who was the 1st Latter-day Prophet?

Joseph Smith
Abraham Lincoln
George Washington
Neil Diamond

Q: Which of these men is NOT an Apostle?

Richard Scott
Jeffery Holland
Joseph Smith
Henry Eyring

Q: Repentance is for whom?

You
Everyone but you
Just sinners
All of the Above

Q: Pick the correct Article of Faith:

We believe in being rich and famous.
We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.
We believe in doing good to ourselves.
We believe in green jello salad.

Q: How many LDS Church members are there?

Over 11 Million
100,000
Over 100 Billion (if you count the dead)
Just me, myself, and I

Here's my score:

Your score is 0%. Are you sure that you're a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Do Mormons like Romney laugh their asses off when taking that "funny" quiz?

I guess, if you believe the things Mitt Romney believes...

10. God resides near a planet called Kolob

9. We baptize dead people

8. Urim and Thummim - The Seer Stones

7. The Garden of Eden was in Missouri

6. Mormons still practice polygamy - sort of

5. Temple Garments

4. The Book of Mormon is Perfect

3. God Discriminated (until 1978)

2. We Can Become Gods!

1. A Living Prophet

... Then that Mormon Quiz could be considered funny.

Sorry. I just don't see the humor.

Thus endeth today's sermon.

Go forth today and consider why Mormons wear magic underwear with Masonic compass and square-looking symbols stitched in specific places...

And why that sounds incredibly funny to non-Mormons.

Think about it.

I mean it, damn it!

Best bar bet in the world: Delilah didn't do it.
Judges 16:19-- And she made him (Samson) sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head.

2 Comments:

boiler said...: Todays Sermon:Is Delilah Boyd an idiot?

Well...She had a question about a 13 million people so she just typed two words on google and then she labeled every one of them!! (isn't the internet great?)

Oh and how does someone practice polygamy-sort of? you either have a bunch of wives or you don't! Kind of like you are "sort-of" a stupid ass?

Oh and I see that you moderate your comments....so i don't plan on seeing this post......how can i expect a uneducated BIGOT to be open-minded?

Oh and at least God stopped discriminating in 1978....Delilah you need to catch up!; 8:28 PM
Carter Evans said...: Mormons are a lot cooler than you give them credit for.; 8:29 AM

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From The Blog Box:

A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope. But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children. Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).

Ammunition In Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 9th December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!

Pauline (AKA "That Bitch in HR")

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and, instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.

Scrivener Humor
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves... ...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."

Psst! Only first-time visitors are counted, y'all!

Delilah Boyd

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Today's Sermon: Are Mormons Funny?

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