Sunday, January 30, 2005

Today's Sermon: Satan's Evil Kittens!

Beware The Cat!

The Devil's Playmate?

Yes, dear readers, your cats are EeeeeeeViiiiiiL...

Are cats for true Christians?
Is it appropriate for a Christian to own a cat, in light of their past pagan religious affiliation and the medical information that is now coming to light? -J.R., U.S.A.

Note the inclusion of the term medical information that is now coming to light.

Why did "J.R., U.S.A." have to add that little gem to his/her question?

I'm glad you asked.

By couching The Case Against Cats, innocent-sounding J.R. is purposely trying to sound innocent and concerned for all mankind.

What a crock!

Here's the answer to J.R.'s Oh, So Innocent & Concerned question:

Many conscientious ones among Jehovah's people today have wondered if Christians should own cats in view of their somewhat sordid symbolic history and the many health risks associated therewith. While we would not wish to state an opinion on what must remain a matter of personal preference, what is acceptable to one person may, although unintentionally, stumble another. This can become a life-or-death issue since to move the steps of a brother away from the path of Christ's ransom sacrifice is tantamount to 'putting a millstone around the neck and being thrown into the sea.' -Matt. 18:6. Clearly, in a matter where our eternal salvation is involved, the mature Christian will not pursue a purely selfish course based on his own personal choices, but will adopt a congregational viewpoint as scripturally prescribed.

Notice that medical information got turned into many health risks?

Of course, there's much more...

A faithful servant of Jehovah would quickly notice that the nature of a cat is so marked as being 'beastly'. The Bible makes clear reference to this condition when describing parts of Satan's organizations, both past and present. For instance, consider the fearsome 'beasts' as described in the book of Daniel or the 'scarlet colored wild beast' in Rev. 17:3.

So here's the deal...

Even if you like cats, the Bible says they're card carrying members of Satan, Inc.; therefore, you have to adopt a congregational viewpoint as scripturally prescribed in order to get a Good Christian Gold Star.

But it gets even weirder, folks!

Clearly, the Bible - by using this kind of terminology - shows beyond any reasonable doubt that the basic nature of cats, while created perfect by God, has become evil or 'beastlike' since the fall of Adam six thousand years ago, and more probably, since the Great Flood of Noah's time (c2350 B.C.E.). This is a development of the condition borne by the 'Original Serpent', the 'Great Dragon' Lucifer himself. (Gen. 3:1) Indeed, modern studies of classification of cats, while not necessarily being reliable as they may be based on the discredited 'theory' of evolution, strongly associate felines with serpents (despite some external differences in physiology and morphology, which confuse those who do not study these matters deeply).


I just spewed coffee all over my keyboard!

And there you have it.

The discredited theory of evolution.

Discredited by whom?

By pig ignorant Fascist Fundies desperate to keep you from tasting the fruit of the tree of knowledge?


In other words, the highly educated among us are out to fool you into believing that cats aren't actually dragons and other serpents in disguise.

Hey, Fundies!

Here's The Cat/Dragon/Serpent/Demon response to your pig ignorance:

Here are a few more highlights from the ridiculous answer to J.R.'s question:

It was a common practice in ancient Egypt to worship or idolize cats as 'gods'.

'Abstain from sacrifices to idols'. We are to 'guard ourselves from idols' and 'worship no other gods'. Such feline influence could lead to idolatry and thereby 'grieve Jehovah's Spirit' with tragic consequences.

The Bible does not say that cats were not present at Herod's birthday party when John the Baptist was beheaded. History shows that cats were most likely present at this tragic party that Jehovah did not approve of. Clearly then, as loyal Christians, why would we even want to associate with animals that are without a doubt of such bad influence, remembering how true are the Bible's words: 'Bad associations spoil useful habits'! -1 Cor. 15:33.

Throughout history, particularly in the middle ages and reaching its climax in the Salem Witch trials of the seventeenth century, cats were recognized by the forces of Christendom as familiars and carriers if not direct incarnates of demons.

The demeanor of a cat is seen by many honest-hearted observers as reflecting some supernatural, unnatural proclivity towards malice or evil.

The scriptures clearly indicate that neither Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, faithful Job, the Apostles, Jesus nor any other human bearing God's favor himself owned a cat. Should we simply assume that this is a mere coincidence? Surely not!

Contrary to popular beliefs among worldly people, cats are unhygienic animals. Recently the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced that 'Cats .. can shed Salmonella in their feces, which can spread the bacterial infection to humans'.

Here's the Pay No Attention To Your Own Human Biological Functions part, which would be hilarious, were these Fascist Fundie Freaks not so dangerous to society...

Additionally, cats practice many unclean habits not befitting a Christian household: coughing up fur balls, licking inappropriate body areas on their own bodies (inappropriate handling) and even, in some cases, on the bodies of their human owners (wrongful motive?), urination on the floor, vocal and blatant promiscuity (unknown to any other species, all others being endowed with Godly chastity and decorum) and widespread sexual misconduct without the benefit or sanctity of holy matrimony, even orgiastic practices, substance abuse of catnip (an intoxicating herb) which produces conditions akin to drunkenness, stealing food from the table, producing ungodly sounds, excessive playfulness and the employment of devices not known to have been used by Jesus, the conducting of its unholy business under the cover of the darkness of night, and so on.

Ah Ha!

The abuse of catnip? We all know where that must surely lead!

But wait!

Here's my favorite part...

It must not be forgotten that the feline is a killer. It eats mice and their kind, which is forbidden to Christians and their pets (Lev. 11:29, Isa. 66:17).


But for cats controlling the rat population, The Black Plague could have turned into an Extinction level Event.

By the 17th century, the cat once again gained favour by virtually saving Europe from the ravages of the great plague by controlling the rat population. In 1822 the first anti-cruelty law to protect animals was passed in Britain.

But What do Jehovah's Witnesses want you to do with your cats?

How To Dispose Of Your Unchristian Cat:

The question of how to dispose of one's unwanted cat is a serious matter. Would it be proper to hand over such a creature of Satan to a person of the world? We see no immediate problem with this, as such a person is already immersed in the wicked ways of this system of things, and so a beastly companion would be a fitting one indeed.

Let me get this straight...

Good Christians should give their cats to those who are already doomed to the fires of woe because these people aren't worth saving, anyway?


But what's a True Jehovah's Witness to do?

The mature follower of Jehovah will do well to be reminded of God's advice in page 503 of The Watchtower of November 15, 1952 where it was held that 'In the case where a father or mother or son or daughter is disfellowshiped, how should such person be treated by members of the family in their family relationship? .. We are not living today among theocratic nations where such members of our fleshly family relationship could be
exterminated for apostasy from God and his theocratic organization, as was possible and was ordered in the nation of Israel in the wilderness of Sinai and in the land of Palestine. LINK

How pitiful!

Kill The Kittens And Unruly Children For Christ because the Bible DOESN'T SAY that cats weren't at Herod's Birthday party and because the Bible DOESN'T SAY that Jesus owned a cat?

Not my cat, you Fascist Fundie Freaks!

The Bible DOESN'T SAY there was air conditioning in the temple, either.

Yet, Fascist Fundie churches condone this unholy condition when they can afford it.

Heavy sigh.

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon.

Go Forth And Protect All Creatures Great And Small.

Bless The Beasts And The Children.

Because Caesar is not likely to grant you a permit for stoning kittens to death in the public square.

And these freaky Jehovah's Witnesses are making Caesar look damned good to me today.

By the way...

If you AREN'T dying from the plague today, thank a cat!

And I mean it, damn it!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, you're a total asshole. You really are. Your whole page is about animal abuse. Cats are animals too, and they are not the "devil's creatures." Christians are supposed to respect all living things including cats. Cats breathe, live, eat, and react to their environment like we do. They are innocent creatures just like any other animal. Seriously, you need to see a psychiatrist or something, you really do.

8:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amusing. I'd seen the thing before but you gave another amusing side to it. And clearly the Anonymous above me has not a brain cell in his/her head...

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Hmmm. I wonder what my cats think about all of this. I'll have to ask them.

11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a crock...You are taking the Bible out of context!

1:15 AM  

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