Sunday, July 24, 2005

Today's Sermon:
Gawd's Rainbows

That's what Fort Worth Baptist "minister," Richard Ross, calls teen sex acts performed by girls for their boyfriends.

At least that's what I think Ross is talking about in his first person narrative about his "True Love Waits" promise ceremonies.

In these promise ceremonies, visiting "minister" Ross (honorarium expected, I'm sure) preaches a sermon on abstinence and kids sign a card, promising to remain sexually pure until marriage.

Would you buy a used
car from this preacher?

“In fact, we so believe in True Love Waits that we provided a beautiful promise ceremony here three years ago.”

Though I keep a smile on my face, thoughts whirl through my mind. Three years ago? During that span, teenagers who entered puberty at 11 or 12 have reached ninth grade with no opportunity to proclaim publicly their promise of purity. Seventh graders fascinated with oral sex have gone all year with no invitation to promise purity to God. Eighth graders who go to parties where the girls give the boys “rainbows” (don’t ask) have gone yet another year with no promise. High school juniors gloriously saved graduate with no opportunity to stand tall for purity in a worship celebration. Families with teenagers join the church, but then wait three years before they are challenged to slip a promise ring on their teens’ fingers.

As for that promise ring...

Ross sells them on his website, LifeWay: True Love Waits...

Which brings us to Jessica Simpson...

Jessica Simpson's Virgin Vow


JESSICA SIMPSON's father JOE made the singer promise to stay a virgin until she married, during a ceremony when she was twelve.

Simpson Sr, who doubles as Jessica's manager, handed the 24-year-old a promise ring and vowed to be the only man in her life until she married.
He explains, "I'm going to tell you how beautiful you are every day. Even when you make a mistake, you are someone special. And I am going to be that person until the day you find a man to do that in my place."

Jessica - who married NICK LACHEY in October 2002 - then promised she would remain a virgin.

Joe adds, "What better gift to give her husband? Never touched by another man."


Go forth, knowing three facts:

1. Most people lie about sex.

2. Nature will out.

3. Ross and Simpson have nothing whatsoever to do with your "LifeWay."

If you honestly believe that signing a 3X5 card will win you and your children a few Brownie points with Gawd, go right ahead and do it... And buy the promise ring and order the cake and balloons for the reception.

Just don't go all Old Testament and beat the hell out of your kids when they break that virginity vow.

And don't model your life (or your children's lives) after preacher men with websites or parish priests who... well, aren't exactly poster boys for virginity vows, are they?

I mean it, damn it!


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