Delilah Boyd: This Week's Backside Of The Bell Curve Winner!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

This Week's
Backside
Of The
Bell Curve
Winner!

The Republican Party's
Hippie Hater

US Representative

Jim
"I'm A Patriot & You're Not!"
Gibbons

What is it with Republicans and Hate, anyway?

This guy is supposed to represent ALL of the people in his congressional district.

Ahem.

Oh, the things he says...

Gibbons rallies GOP

By DAVE WOODSON - Staff Writer

ELKO - Patriotic spirits soared as Elko's Grand Old Party had a grand old party Friday night at its annual Lincoln Day Dinner.

The fervor was whipped up by a fiery speech by Rep. Jim Gibbons, R-Nev., during which he passionately proclaimed his heartfelt support for troops waging the war on terrorism in Iraq and Afghanistan and voiced blistering contempt for certain celebrities for giving aid and comfort to the enemy.

Gibbons said he was dedicating his remarks to the "brave young men and women who are serving on the front lines" in what he termed World War III. --snip--

"I say we tell those liberal, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals to go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else," Gibbons said to another burst of applause. --snip--

He said that they are the same people who wanted to go to Iraq and become human shields for the enemy.

"I say it's just too damn bad we didn't buy them a ticket," Gibbons said. LINK

Holy Summer Of Love, Batman!

Tree-Hugging?

You don't want clean water, clean air, and pristine open spaces for your constituents?

Birkenstock Wearing?

From birkenstock.com...

Footwear is very important. Your foot health is directly affected by the shoes you choose. I look at footwear as a natural first step toward improving a person' s activity level and overall health and wellness. And although proper foot health is not a panacea for good overall health, it is certainly a critical part for those of you who take your health seriously.

Hippie?

Yesterday's Hippies are today's YAPS (Youthful Active Pre-Seniors)...

What YAPS are like:

YAPS are not like our parents (who actually are seniors). YAPS are youthful in appearance and attitude. We try to stay active. We exercise, watch our diet, eat healthier than those half our age, still listen to rock n roll, are fashion conscious, get nipped and tucked and have romantic inclinations.

YAPS lead active sex lives and are Viagras prime market. We are prominent in the work force, are politically motivated, surf and shop the internet, play video games, take vacations, frequent restaurants, travel, buy luxury items (more than any other demographic) including new cars, boats and houses.. We help provide for our children, spoil our grandchildren, and today more than ever, take care of our aging parents. LINK

Tie-Dyed?

From color-tone.com...

Our tie dye work is seen all over North America in McDonald's, Gap Kids, Walmart, KMart, Sears, Calvin Klein, Looney Tunes, Animal Kingdom and NFL Teams.

And finally...

Their movies and their music?

From PriceWaterhouseCooper.com...

Let's recap...

Who's one fry short of a Happy Meal these days, Gibbons?

Where the hell do you think all of the hippies in your district went?

You're the freak, Jim!

Hate is your middle name, and instilling fear is your game.

You want to know what hippies think of you, Jim?

They're just sorry that no one ever cared enough about you to teach you any manners.

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Bucky (Brown Bag Blog) says...

The Koufaxes (or "the Sandies") are like the SAG or Golden Globe awards, while the Webbies are comparable to the Oscars. Getting a Koufax denotes being a class act while getting a Webbie, while certainly an honor, takes a little more politickin' than most of the celler-dwelling idealists who blogviate are up for.
From The Official Koufax Award site...

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From The Blog Box:

A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope. But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children. Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).

Ammunition In Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 9th December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!

Pauline (AKA "That Bitch in HR")

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and, instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.

Scrivener Humor
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves... ...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."

Psst! Only first-time visitors are counted, y'all!

Delilah Boyd

Thursday, March 03, 2005

This Week's
Backside
Of The
Bell Curve
Winner!

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