Sunday, August 21, 2005

Today's Sermon:
Blessed Be Saint Elvis!

Beatification and canonization have always been laborious and quite lengthy processes. I read recently, though, that the process is well under way on behalf of the late, great Otis Redding Pope John Paul II.

Which begs the question...

Why isn't Elvis a saint yet?

1. Jesus said "Love thy neighbor." Elvis said "Don't be cruel."
2. Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
3. Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio.
4. Jesus walked on water. Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, 1965).
5. Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
6. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "Comeback" TV special and many posthumous mall sightings.
7. Jesus said "If a man thirst, let him come to me, and drink." (John 7:37). Elvis said "Drinks on me(Jail House Rock, 1957)."
8. Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis also had irregular eating habits (eg, 5 banana split breakfast).
9. Jesus is a Capricorn (Dec 25). Elvis is a Capricorn (Jan8).
10. Matthew was a biographer of Jesus. Neil Matthews was a biographer of Elvis (A Golden Tribute).
11. "Jesus lightning...raiment snow white." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
12. Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near-eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
13. Jesus' mother Mary was the immaculate conception. Elvis' wife Priscilla went to Immaculate Conception H.S.
14. People called Jesus a "...glutton and a drunk." (Luke 7:34) People called Elvis " overweight druggie..."

15. Jesus died for us. Young girls would 'die for' Elvis.
16. Jesus was born in humble surroundings. Elvis was born in Mississippi.
17. Even today Jesus has a cult following. Even today Elvis has a cult following.
18. Jesus was called "King of Israel.." (John 12:13) Elvis was called "King of Rock n' Roll."


Go forth and light a candle for Elvis today.

When nonbelievers scoff and throw stones at you, verily you shall respond:

"And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden records; and in the midst of the seven golden records one like unto the Son of Zeke, clothed with a jumpsuit down to the foot, and about the paunch with rhinestones. His hairs were black like vinyl, as black as Brylcreem; and his eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry...
"Who is this King of Rock-n-Roll? The Lord of Hostess, he is the King of Rock-n-Roll. Shaboom.'' LINK

If that's not enough to pacify the naysayers, add:

And Elvis so loved the world that he died, fat and bloated, in a bathroom.
He very pointedly did not rise from the dead three days later, but was nonetheless seen across the world by various and sundry housewives.
Create your own Ain't Nuthin' Butta Hound-Dogmas, but be sure to stay out of the Sacred Heartbreak Hotel, where damned souls twinkle like stars in the night, each a Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love.
"Return, we beseech the, O Lord of Hostess: look down from Heaven, and behold, and visit this mall...''

If that doesn't work...


I mean it, damn it!

File this under:


Anonymous Kat said...

As the great Jello Biafra once wondered:
"Will Elvis take the place of Jesus, in a thousand years?"

We may not have to wait that long after all...
I always thought the Elvis sightings of the late Eighties were a strange manifestation of the Jesus meme - resurrection or second coming, or some damn thing.
Elvis seemed like a good messiah for the mythical golden age of the Fifties.
And since we're seeing a real push to return to those glorious, racist, wife-beating, gay-hating, Enemy-fearing golden days, I wouldn't be too suprised if The Living Elvis starts being sighted throughout the land once more. Think of the miracles he might perform. The mind boggles.

Thanks very much for the shout-out on ASL's front page, a few days back.
Cheers also for the encouragement to blog. I'd been thinking about it (as has anyone who spends some time reading blogs, I guess) and yours was the last little push I needed.
I won't draw anyone's attention to it until I actually have some content worth reading.

11:26 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home