Obama's "Greetings From Iowa" Email
Barack H. Obama didn't celebrate his Oregon primary win in Oregon. And he didn't concede his devastating 2-1 loss in Kentucky...er, in Kentucky.
Nope, Candidate Unity Pony chose to cheer the enlightened Oregonians and lament the bitter Kentuckians... in Iowa.
Just in case you didn't get the Obama email, I've translated it for you here:
The polls are closed in Kentucky (But I'm not there; I'm in Iowa with the handful of smart people who caucused for me) and votes are being counted in Oregon (but I'm not there because I don't want people to think I only appeal to arugula eaters), and it's clear that tonight we have reached a major milestone (not counting Florida and Michigan) on this journey.
We have won an absolute majority (not counting Florida and Michigan) of all the delegates chosen by the people (except for those shut out in FL & MI) in this Democratic primary process.
From the beginning, this journey wasn't about me or the other candidates (Actually, it's always been about me, but I have to say that... here in Iowa). It was about a simple choice -- will we continue down the same road (that doesn't go to FL or MI) with the same leadership (Hm. Sounds like I'm talking about Republicans, doesn't it? Actually, I'm talking about the Democrats who screwed Howard Dean out of the nomination in 2004) that has failed us for so long, or will we take a different path (with my messianic message of superficial hope & change rhetoric)?
Too many of us have been disappointed by politics (like my wife, who's just now proud to be an American for the first time) and politicians (not like the ones of us who who promise hope, change and unity ponies, so don't even go there) more times than you can count. We've seen promises broken and good ideas drowned in a sea of influence, point-scoring, and petty bickering that has consumed Washington (but this never happens in Chicago politics, so stop saying that!).
Yet, in spite of all the doubt and disappointment (Hey! I'm talking to you bitter people!) -- or perhaps because of it -- people have stood for change (and they've swallowed my Deval Patrick schtick whole).
Unfortunately, our opponents in the other party continue to embrace yesterday's policies and they will continue to employ yesterday's tactics (which have been highly successful) -- they will try to change the subject (by pointing out my weaknesses), and they will play on fears and divisions (like my lack of experience, my wife's hateful remarks, and my honorable friends' nefarious deeds) to distract us from what matters to you and your future (until I actually get to govern something besides William Ayers' foundation board, at which time I'll get you to call everyone racists when they complain about me screwing up).
But those tactics will not work in this election (because I know the media will never turn on me; they've been so supportive so far).
They won't work because you won't let them (and we all know how successful Dems have been in fighting the opposition; Oh, well. Just call them racists).
Not this time (it's Obama time, God damn it). Not this year (anno domini Obama).
We still have work to do to in the remaining states, where we will compete for every delegate available (even though I'm in Iowa and not in either KY, OR, FL, or MI tonight).
But tonight (in Iowa, of all places), I want to thank you (and the national Obama media) for everything you have done (including you women who volunteer to make the coffee and stuff the envelopes) to take us this far -- farther than anyone predicted, expected, or even believed possible (except the media, all of whom are salivating like Pavlov's dogs over a general election campaign between a novice sort-of black guy and a war hero old guy).
And I want to remind you that you (except for you bitter men, uppity women, Garlic Noses, Asians, Jews, Latinos, and the rest of you gay losers) will make all the difference in the epic challenge ahead.
Thank you (for being so stupid),
Barack Obama (aka Barry Soetoro, in Iowa)
By the way, did you catch Donna Brazile's CNN answer to why Obama would be in Iowa last night?
"He's not going to IA to declare victory, he's going because he and his wife have fond memories of the state."
Truly heavy sigh.
Best bar bet in the world: Delilah didn't do it.
Judges 16:19-- And she made him (Samson) sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head.