Delilah Boyd: Obama's "Greetings From Iowa" Email

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Obama's "Greetings From Iowa" Email

Barack H. Obama didn't celebrate his Oregon primary win in Oregon. And he didn't concede his devastating 2-1 loss in Kentucky...er, in Kentucky.

Nope, Candidate Unity Pony chose to cheer the enlightened Oregonians and lament the bitter Kentuckians... in Iowa.

Just in case you didn't get the Obama email, I've translated it for you here:

The polls are closed in Kentucky (But I'm not there; I'm in Iowa with the handful of smart people who caucused for me) and votes are being counted in Oregon (but I'm not there because I don't want people to think I only appeal to arugula eaters), and it's clear that tonight we have reached a major milestone (not counting Florida and Michigan) on this journey.

We have won an absolute majority (not counting Florida and Michigan) of all the delegates chosen by the people (except for those shut out in FL & MI) in this Democratic primary process.

From the beginning, this journey wasn't about me or the other candidates (Actually, it's always been about me, but I have to say that... here in Iowa). It was about a simple choice -- will we continue down the same road (that doesn't go to FL or MI) with the same leadership (Hm. Sounds like I'm talking about Republicans, doesn't it? Actually, I'm talking about the Democrats who screwed Howard Dean out of the nomination in 2004) that has failed us for so long, or will we take a different path (with my messianic message of superficial hope & change rhetoric)?

Too many of us have been disappointed by politics (like my wife, who's just now proud to be an American for the first time) and politicians (not like the ones of us who who promise hope, change and unity ponies, so don't even go there) more times than you can count. We've seen promises broken and good ideas drowned in a sea of influence, point-scoring, and petty bickering that has consumed Washington (but this never happens in Chicago politics, so stop saying that!).

Yet, in spite of all the doubt and disappointment (Hey! I'm talking to you bitter people!) -- or perhaps because of it -- people have stood for change (and they've swallowed my Deval Patrick schtick whole).

Unfortunately, our opponents in the other party continue to embrace yesterday's policies and they will continue to employ yesterday's tactics (which have been highly successful) -- they will try to change the subject (by pointing out my weaknesses), and they will play on fears and divisions (like my lack of experience, my wife's hateful remarks, and my honorable friends' nefarious deeds) to distract us from what matters to you and your future (until I actually get to govern something besides William Ayers' foundation board, at which time I'll get you to call everyone racists when they complain about me screwing up).

But those tactics will not work in this election (because I know the media will never turn on me; they've been so supportive so far).

They won't work because you won't let them (and we all know how successful Dems have been in fighting the opposition; Oh, well. Just call them racists).

Not this time (it's Obama time, God damn it). Not this year (anno domini Obama).

We still have work to do to in the remaining states, where we will compete for every delegate available (even though I'm in Iowa and not in either KY, OR, FL, or MI tonight).

But tonight (in Iowa, of all places), I want to thank you (and the national Obama media) for everything you have done (including you women who volunteer to make the coffee and stuff the envelopes) to take us this far -- farther than anyone predicted, expected, or even believed possible (except the media, all of whom are salivating like Pavlov's dogs over a general election campaign between a novice sort-of black guy and a war hero old guy).

And I want to remind you that you (except for you bitter men, uppity women, Garlic Noses, Asians, Jews, Latinos, and the rest of you gay losers) will make all the difference in the epic challenge ahead.

Thank you (for being so stupid),

Barack Obama (aka Barry Soetoro, in Iowa)

By the way, did you catch Donna Brazile's CNN answer to why Obama would be in Iowa last night?

"He's not going to IA to declare victory, he's going because he and his wife have fond memories of the state."

2 Comments:

Unknown said...: Hey! Thanks for all the great info. I was browsing through a bunch of political websites and blogs (mostly liberal ones) and I came across your blog and find it to be very interesting. There are a bunch of others I like too, like huff post, and other news sites like politico. Do you know of any that cover politics and the environment? I saw earthlab.com which has mostly environmental info but some politics. I took EarthLab.com’s carbon calculator (http://www.earthlab.com/signupprofile/). It was pretty easy to use (and it doesn’t make me feel guilty after I take it). Are there any other blogs you would recommend? Can you drop me a link to your favorites or any ones with green info?; 6:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Delilah, good post.
I've been reading for while, but because I'm a foreign national, haven't commented before.
May I make one suggestion. Your Backwards Bush countdown is situated where it blocks off part of your post. You might want to move it closer to the left side, so people can readily read your posts.
Anyway, I just wish we had a candidate like HRC in my country. Gosh, she is really full of ideas, full of determination, full of grace. Sigh, we do not yet have anyone of that caliber who is willing to run for public office, and after seeing what has happened in this election cycle in the U.S. I can understand why. This is so very, very evil.; 7:14 PM

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From The Blog Box:

A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope. But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children. Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).

Ammunition In Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 9th December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!

Pauline (AKA "That Bitch in HR")

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and, instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.

Scrivener Humor
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves... ...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."

Psst! Only first-time visitors are counted, y'all!

Delilah Boyd

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Obama's "Greetings From Iowa" Email

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