Friday, December 31, 2004

Today's Vocabulary Lesson:
Sing It Like You Mean It!

auld lang syne- literally means "old long ago."
(Better translation is perhaps "times gone by" or "old time's sake.")

- pay for

- hills

- broad

- stream

- dinner/ evening time

- friend

- foot

- daisies

guid-willie waught
- goodwill drink

- many

morning sun
- noon

- paddled

- pint tankard

- pulled

- two

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.

In my humble opinion, these are among the wisest words ever written...

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere!
And gie's a hand o thine!
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught
For auld lang syne.

I wish you
and fond memories
in the coming year.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

This Week's
Of The
Bell Curve


The National Review's

(trans. Even we can't stomach
dealing with him on a daily basis!)

Jonah Goldberg

Kofi's stingy uncle
Jonah Goldberg

Dec. 28, 2004

As of this writing the death toll in Asia from the killer tsunami exceeds 50,000.

What can I say?

Jonah gets his news from FOX.

Almost immediately, the United States put together an aid package of $15 million, with assurances that more will be on the way.

Cite your source, you Fascist Fundie Liar!

We also dispatched emergency relief teams and Navy patrols both to help with the aftermath and to assess what more we can do. "We also have to see this not just as a one-time thing," Colin Powell said. America is in the reconstruction effort "for the long haul."

Can you spell HALLIBURTON?

This commitment, however, was not generous enough for Jan Egeland, the Norwegian bureaucrat who heads up relief efforts for the United Nations. "It is beyond me why are we so stingy, really," Egeland told reporters, according to Bill Sammon of the Washington Times. (We'll let the "we" pass unmolested.)

Now there's a truly credible source, Jonah!


American and European politicians, Egeland complained, "believe that they are really burdening the taxpayers too much, and the taxpayers want to give less. It's not true. They want to give more."


Nobody objects when the United Nations helps victims of natural disasters, so U.N. defenders always use disaster relief and peacekeeping as their chief tool for fundraising. The problem is that the United Nations is not an impartial philanthropic organization. It is a political institution where a broad coalition of nations hope to curtail the power and influence of the United States. more...

What a colossal crock, Jonah!

You and your mother are dangers to democracy!

Separated At Birth?

Begs the obvious question...


Why would Born Again George W. Lover Dennis Miller decide he needed to go grey...

when the result is the spitting image of The Butcher Of Baghdad?

Is Miller seeking (cough) gravitas now that he's a bona fide FOX News Fido?


Thank you for playing, Dennis!

We have some lovely parting gifts for you!

You know what's really sad?

I used to think that Dennis Miller wrote his own material.

I thought he was a real wit.

Now that he's gone over to the Dark Side Of Fundie Punditry,
it's obvious that he's only half of one.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Deep in December,
Our hearts will remember...

Jerry Orbach

After a months-long battle with prostate cancer, actor Jerry Orbach has died. In a story first heard on 1010 WINS, Orbach's manager Robert Malcolm confirmed orbach's death. He was 69 and had only recently revealed his battle with cancer. Orbach died Tuesday night in Manhattan after several weeks of treatment, Audrey Davis of the public relations agency Lippin Group said. The cast and crew of "Law and Order", on which Orbach played detective Lennie Briscoe, had known about the treatments since last spring. Orbach had been with the series since the beginning, 12 seasons ago.

Jerry Orbach was more than Lenny Brisco...
He originated many of these roles:

El Gallo (Introduced Try To Remember in The Fantastiks)

Skye Masterson (Guys And Dolls-- Tony Nomination)

Chuck Baxter (Introduced I'll Never Fall In Love Again in Promises, Promises--Tony Winner)

Billy Flynn (Introduced Razzle Dazzle in Chicago-- Tony Nomination)



Annie, Get Your Gun

42nd Street

Jerry Orbach will be remembered.

Just Another Link
On George W.'s
Ponderous Chain

'Twas already a ponderous chain, George W.!

Bush to make "brief" tsunami statement, $20million is a "loan", not aid

WASHINGTON - Hundreds of Americans remain missing two days after devastating tsunamis struck Asia, but the State Department says a large number have been located and are safe. Responding to the disaster, the U.S. Agency for International Development added $20 million to the already promised $15 million.

The State Department said Tuesday that 12 Americans had died, seven in Sri Lanka and five in Thailand.

Bush administration officials sought to allay concerns about the missing Americans, saying it might simply be a matter of not getting in touch with U.S. authorities in Asia....

Describing the $20 million as a "line of credit," Ereli said, "We have identified an additional $20 million that we will be working to make available" to countries struck by the worst natural disaster in four decades.....

On Wednesday, President Bush is to make a brief statement at his Texas ranch about the Asian disaster following a regularly scheduled National Security Council meeting during which he will be updated on relief and recovery efforts, said White House deputy press secretary Trent Duffy. LINK

Of course, this story has been scrubbed neatly and replaced by a less gut wrenchingly heartless version (Maybe someone has cached the original):

U.S. Boosts Quake Relief to $35 Million

32 minutes ago

By DEB RIECHMANN, Associated Press Writer

CRAWFORD, Texas - U.S. aid to victims of an earthquake that sent deadly waves crashing onto shores in Asia and Africa has been doubled to $35 million and is likely to be much more in an international aid effort expected to run into the billions.

President Bush is making a brief statement at his Texas ranch Wednesday about the Asian disaster following a regularly scheduled National Security Council meeting, where advisers will update him on relief and recovery work, White House deputy press secretary Trent Duffy said Tuesday.

Duffy declined to say whether the United States was planning to pledge more aid at this time. Secretary of State Colin Powell said Tuesday that the United States will be a "major contributor" to an international assistance effort expected to run into the billions for victims of this week's earthquake and tsunamis, which killed at least 60,000.

"As we continue to get our hands around the size of the effort's needs, that will continue to be addressed and assessed," Duffy said. "Secretary Powell clearly said that this is just the beginning — this is all preliminary — and the first thing we need to do is get a good assessment of what's absolutely necessary."

U.S. Agency for International Development chief Andrew Natsios told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the $35 million aid package has drained his organization's emergency relief fund, forcing it to ask Congress or the White House for more money.

"We just spent it," Natsios said. "We'll be talking to the (White House) budget office." LINK (Same as above)

And if that's not enough to add tonnage to the existing chain George W. is forging in this life...

Aid grows amid questions about Bush

Should vacationing president have spoken out?

By John F. Harris and Robin Wright

The Bush administration more than doubled its financial commitment yesterday to provide relief to nations suffering from the Indian Ocean tsunami, amid complaints that the vacationing President Bush has been insensitive to a humanitarian catastrophe of epic proportions.

Bush's deepened public involvement puts him more in line with other world figures. In Germany, Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder cut short his vacation and returned to work in Berlin because of the Indian Ocean crisis, which began with a gigantic underwater earthquake. In Britain, the predominant U.S. voice speaking about the disaster was not Bush but former president Bill Clinton, who in an interview with the BBC said the suffering was like something in a "horror movie," and urged a coordinated international response.

Earlier yesterday, White House spokesman Trent Duffy said the president was confident he could monitor events effectively without returning to Washington or making public statements in Crawford, where he spent part of the day clearing brush and bicycling. Explaining the about-face, a White House official said: "The president wanted to be fully briefed on our efforts. He didn't want to make a symbolic statement about 'We feel your pain.' "

Many Bush aides believe Clinton was too quick to head for the cameras to hold forth on tragedies with his trademark empathy. "Actions speak louder than words," a top Bush aide said, describing the president's view of his appropriate role. LINK

Ponderously heavy sigh.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

In Memoriam

The disconnect between last Tuesday's monstrous dose of reality and the self-righteous drivel and outright deceptions being peddled by public figures and TV commentators is startling, depressing. The voices licensed to follow the event seem to have joined together in a campaign to infantilize the public. Where is the acknowledgement that this was not a "cowardly" attack on "civilization" or "liberty" or "humanity" or "the free world" but an attack on the world's self-proclaimed super-power, undertaken as a consequence of specific American alliances and actions?

How many citizens are aware of the ongoing American bombing of Iraq?

And if the word "cowardly" is to be used, it might be more aptly applied to those who kill from beyond the range of retaliation, high in the sky, than to those willing to die themselves in order to kill others. In the matter of courage (a morally neutral virtue): whatever may be said of the perpetrators of Tuesday's slaughter, they were not cowards.

Our leaders are bent on convincing us that everything is O.K. America is not afraid. Our spirit is unbroken, although this was a day that will live in infamy and America is now at war.

But everything is not O.K. And this was not Pearl Harbor.

We have a robotic president who assures us that America stands tall. A wide spectrum of public figures, in and out of office, who are strongly opposed to the policies being pursued abroad by this Administration apparently feel free to say nothing more than that they stand united behind President Bush. A lot of thinking needs to be done, and perhaps is being done in Washington and elsewhere, about the ineptitude of American intelligence and counter-intelligence, about options available to American foreign policy, particularly in the Middle East, and about what constitutes a smart program of military defense. But the public is not being asked to bear much of the burden of reality.

The unanimously applauded, self-congratulatory bromides of a Soviet Party Congress seemed contemptible. The unanimity of the sanctimonious, reality-concealing rhetoric spouted by American officials and media commentators in recent days seems, well, unworthy of a mature democracy.

Those in public office have let us know that they consider their task to be a manipulative one: confidence-building and grief management. Politics, the politics of a democracy--which entails disagreement, which promotes candor--has been replaced by psychotherapy. Let's by all means grieve together. But let's not be stupid together.

A few shreds of historical awareness might help us to understand what has just happened, and what may continue to happen. "Our country is strong", we are told again and again. I for one don't find this entirely consoling. Who doubts that America is strong? But that's not all America has to be.

Susan Sontag

The New Yorker

Sept. 24, 2001

Oh, the possibilities!

If Pravda weren't more reliable these days than our American mainstream media, I would probably dismiss this report.



Saudi Government Daily Accuses U.S. Army of Harvesting Organs of Iraqis

In the Saudi government daily Al-Watan, a n article from Brussels written by Fakhriya Ahmad charges that, based on alleged secret European military reports, the U.S. military in Iraq is harvesting and selling human organs. The following day, the story was also published in the Iranian daily Jomhouri-ye Islami, [1] as well as the Syrian daily Teshreen. [2] The following are excerpts from the article: [3]

"Secret European military intelligence reports indicate the transformation of the American humanitarian mission in Iraq into a profitable trade in the American markets through the practice of American physicians extracting human organs from the dead and wounded, before they are put to death, for sale to medical centers in America. A secret team of American physicians follow the troops during their attacks on Iraqi armed men to ensure quick [medical] operations for extracting some organs and transferring them to private operations rooms before they are transferred to America for sale.

"The reports confirm the finding of tens of mutilated cadavers or cadavers missing parts. Some were found without a head. The American military command could not offer reasons to explain the bewilderment about the missing parts, suggesting that this may have been caused by the penetration of bullets to the [missing] parts. But these excuses cannot be medically accepted. The reports also confirmed that the burning of bodies was deliberate in order to conceal the crime of organ extraction. [The reports] further indicate that American medical teams have [made] active and suspicious moves in Iraq to recruit some Iraqis to guide them to dead and critically injured individuals to engage in the extraction of organs. These teams offer $40 for every usable kidney and $25 for an eye. The reports confirm the finding of mutilated bodies in Fallujah. The reports indicate that the cadavers are immunized inside special cars to prevent the spread of the plague until the bodies are buried by their relatives.

"The reports have indicated that a number of those killed in 'Abu Ghraib' and other prisons were subjected to operations for extracting their organs. Following their mutilations, the bodies were discarded far from the prisons to conceal the facts. The reports revealed that that the American forces restricted the media by force to prevent them from getting near the scenes and recording the events. But the relatives of the Iraqis are aware of these facts. The reports have [also] indicated that the military forces of the European allies have noticed the absence of organs from the cadavers that were dealt with by the Americans and have reported to their high command, which instructed them to maintain silence and to avoid the discussion of the subject due to its gravity, while the military and intelligence high command have written secret reports about was observed by their forces and sent them to the European ministries of defense for their information." LINK

Even if this report is true, I suppose the situation could be worse.

Halliburton could be hiding another under-the-radar biz:


Monday, December 27, 2004

3 Americans Dead...
Now we care (sort of)?

U.S. Offers Aid to Quake Victims; at Least 3 Americans Among Dead

The Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) - The U.S. government is offering to help Asian nations struck by a massive earthquake and devastating tsunamis that killed nearly 20,000 people, including at least three Americans.

"The United States stands ready to offer all appropriate assistance to those nations most affected," White House deputy press secretary Trent Duffy said in a statement Sunday.

State Department spokesman Noel Clay said U.S. officials were working on ways to help. "The United States will be very responsive," he said, offering no details on plans for relief and assistance.

Clay said three Americans were killed - two in Sri Lanka, one in Thailand - and a number of other Americans were injured. Clay did not have details or identities of the dead and injured.

President Bush expressed his condolences over the "terrible loss of life and suffering," said the White House statement issued aboard Air Force One. Bush was traveling from Washington to Texas, where he was beginning a post-Christmas vacation at his Crawford ranch.

White House officials said U.S. relief efforts already were under way to help people in Sri Lanka and the Maldives, a string of 1,192 coral atolls off the southwestern coast of India. They said the United States also will work with the United Nations, non-governmental organizations and other concerned states to provide relief.

The State Department issued advisories warning Americans to avoid travel to Sri Lanka, the Maldives and the southwestern area of Thailand. U.S. citizens in those areas were encouraged to leave as soon as safe transportation was available. LINK


offering to help- Now that 3 Americans are confirmed dead, BushCo has to pretend to care.

appropriate- Hey, victims! Don't think for an instant that we're sending money, even if we eventually say we will. Remember George W.'s promise of $15 million in AIDS money to Africa?

working on ways to help/offering no details on plans for relief and assistance- We're waiting for great press coverage of Red Cross efforts, which we will praise with planted quotes in news stories, thereby linking our BushCo brand name with the internationally respected Red Cross brand name.

White House statement issued aboard Air Force One- You didn't honestly believe that George W. cared enough to walk into the Rose Garden long enough to issue a personal statement about this global tragedy, did you? His vacation hours are precious, don'tchaknow?

U.S. relief efforts already were under way- The Red Cross is already on the scene. Some Red Cross workers are American. "We're" American; therefore, we're already helping.

the United States will work with- Remember when you used to add your childhood scrawl to gift tags and greeting cards, as if you had something to do with buying, wrapping, and delivering a gift to someone?

The State Department issued advisories warning Americans to avoid travel- Here's your proof that we're doing something, so shut the F up already!

Heavy, heavy sigh.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Boxing Day

December 26th, St. Stephen's Day, is a national holiday in many European and Commonwealth countries.

Although the exact historical roots of this holiday are disputed, I choose to observe the lesson from the carol:

Good King Wenceslas looked out on the Feast of Stephen,
When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even;
Brightly shone the moon that night, tho' the frost was cruel,
When a poor man came in sight gath'ring winter fuel.

"Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know'st it, telling,
Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling?"
"Sire, he lives a good league hence, underneath the mountain;
Right against the forest fence, by Saint Agnes' fountain."

"Bring me flesh, and bring me wine, bring me pine logs hither:
Thou and I will see him dine, when we bear them thither."
Page and monarch, forth they went, forth they went together;
Through the rude wind's wild lament and the bitter weather.

"Sire, the night is darker now, and the wind blows stronger;
Fails my heart, I know not how, I can go no longer."
"Mark my footsteps, good my page. Tread thou in them boldly:
Thou shalt find the winter's rage freeze thy blood less coldly."

In his master's steps he trod, where the snow lay dinted;
Heat was in the very sod which the saint had printed.
Therefore, Christian men, be sure, wealth or rank possessing,
Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing.

Today is the perfect time to gather together those unused items we've all been hoarding and donate them to those less fortunate.

Besides,we need to make room for the priceless bounty we bestowed upon each other yesterday...


Saturday, December 25, 2004

Keep Christmas
In Your Own Way...

Friday, December 24, 2004

On Christmas Eve...

Are you an optimist?

A pessimist?

A realist?

Or just plain weird?

("Please Don't Forsake
Baby Jesus.")


Just asking.

This Week's
Of The
Bell Curve


This guy reminds me of a certain old man in Bedford Falls!

Ohio Supreme Court
Thief Chief Justice

Thomas J. Moyer

Ohio Supreme Court Chief Justice Thomas J. Moyer, a Republican who was re-elected on the same ballot as President George W. Bush Nov. 2 but has declined to recuse himself from a suit contesting the president's election, issued a motion and procedural ruling today that denies an expedited hearing in the case and lays out the framework by which he might dismiss the case. RAW STORY acquired the ruling Wednesday afternoon.

In the ruling, displayed below, Moyer orders those contesting the election to answer two questions: (1) Whether the suit is moot because it was filed too late, and (2) Whether there is a legal significance in delaying the hearing until after Congress certifies the results of the electoral college Jan. 6, 2005.

Moyer had previously dismissed the first iteration of the suit—which also contested his own election—ruling that two elections could not be challenged in the same suit. LINK

Merry Christmas, Old Man Potter Moyer!

Heavy, heavy sigh.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

And so it begins...

By waiting until witnesses and evidence could be thoroughly vetted, Senator Kerry has kept the media whores from making "John Kerry's a sore loser" the story.

Kerry to Enter Ohio Recount Fray

By William Rivers Pitt
t r u t h o u t | Report

Thursday 23 December 2004

2004 Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry will file today, in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Ohio, papers in support of the Green Party/Libertarian Party recount effort. Specifically, Kerry will be filing a request for expedited discovery regarding Triad Systems voting machines, as well as a motion for a preservation order to protect any and all discovery and preserve any evidence on this matter.

Triad Systems has come under scrutiny recently after Sherole Eaton, deputy director of elections for Hocking County, swore out an affidavit in which she described her witnessing the tampering of electronic voting equipment by a Triad representative. Rep. John Conyers, the ranking minority member of the House Judiciary Committee, has requested an investigation into this matter by the FBI and the Hocking County prosecutor.

Truthout will have more on this specific Triad allegation later in the day.

Previously, the Green Party and Libertarian Party have not fared well in their efforts to get emergency orders regarding this matter in Ohio. In order to pass muster with a judge, the individual or group requesting an emergency order for such a recount must show both irreperable harm as well as a substantial chance for success on the merits. While Green and Libertarian representatives have been able to show irreperable harm, they could not establish a substantial chance for success on the merits, because no recount would deliver Ohio to either party.

Kerry's entry into this recount effort changes the math on this matter dramatically. He can likewise show irreperable harm, and unlike the Green and Libertarian candidates, he can also prove a substantial chance for success on the merits because he lost the Ohio vote by a statistical whisker. LINK

Big News Momentarily From John Kerry



ET With A Squeegee?

Mystery Martian 'Carwash' Helps Space Buggy

LONDON (Reuters) - An unexplained phenomenon akin to a space-borne car wash has boosted the performance of one of the two U.S. rovers probing the surface of Mars, New Scientist magazine said on Tuesday.

It said something -- or someone -- had regularly cleaned layers of dust from the solar panels of the Mars Opportunity vehicle while it was closed down during the Martian night.

The cleaning had boosted the panels' power output close to their maximum 900 watt-hours per day after at one stage dropping to 500 watt-hours because of the heavy Martian dirt.

By contrast, the power output of the solar panels of Mars Spirit -- on a different part of the Red Planet -- had dropped to just 400 watt-hours a day, clogged by the heavy dust.

"These exciting and unexplained cleaning events have kept Opportunity in really great shape," the magazine quoted NASA rover team leader Jim Erickson as saying. LINK

One of those things that makes you go hmmmmmm.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

A Christmas Memory
For The Secret Service

What these Secret Service agents are thinking...

is sooooooo obvious!

Who dresses this guy?

An idiot who surrounds himself with idiots is just asking to be ridiculed...

And your scrivener is, of course, equal to the task.

There is no Evil Atheist Conspiracy!

It's a lie!

It's a vicious lie, I tell you!

Repeat after me: There is no EAC (Evil Atheist Conspiracy)!


You never ever saw this confidential EAC internal memo!

Now then, it is with pleasure that I bring you a summary of EAC activities throughout the past year. Be sure to congratulate our operatives in the field, who met or exceeded key goals in the following areas:

1. The EAC Department of Televangelism had a banner year, raking in millions of dollars' worth of donations from gullible believers and thus safely diverting it from being wasted on food for the hungry, cures for disease and other nauseatingly good causes. The cash they bring in, which makes up a large percentage of the EAC's operating budget, was used to launch three new mind-control satellites and complete work on the holy-symbol-seeking cruise missiles, as well as pay the salaries of our hardworking torturers counselors in the EAC Department of Forcible Indoctrination, who managed to "deconvert" several thousand fundamentalists in the last three months alone. And that's just with the donations from widows and orphans alone! Keep up the great work, guys!

(Some of our newer members may be shocked to hear that the televangelists are all our agents. Don't be. Have you ever watched one of those broadcasts and seen the ridiculously opulent splendor their studios are set up in, even though they claim to follow a book that advocates poverty? Haven't you heard about the way they indulge their every vice with money cheated out of hard-working, honest believers? You don't really think True Christians could be such hypocrites, do you? It takes atheists to reach such depths of depravity!)

2. The EAC Department of Time Travel, Temporal Restructuring Division, put in a lot of overtime with our new time machines to reshape history as our dastardly wills see fit. High praise goes out to all of them for all the work they did in the years following Noah's Flood to clean up the geological evidence, scrub the high-water marks off the pyramids and sort all the fossils back into their "proper" order. Thanks to you guys, the Department of Evolutionism is looking to experience some smashing successes in debates. Those creationists won't be able to stand against all our overwhelming "evidence" anymore! (On a regrettable side note: I'm not naming names, but one of you stepped on a trilobite during the Cambrian and left a footprint behind. You know who you are, and I hope you'll properly regret your mistake after the EAC Department of Forcible Indoctrination gets through with you.)

Also, guys, I admire your initiative in going back to Jesus' time and posing as the "Pharisees" in an attempt to stifle him. I really do. But when you couldn't shut him up, why'd you have to go the extra mile and get him crucified?? Please read the Old Testament prophecies more carefully before you do something like that again!

3. The EAC Department of False Puppet Churches, Jehovah's Witness Division, had a solid year, as always. By going door-to-door at the most inconvenient hours and annoying people by bombarding them with unwanted preaching, they helped to foster that festering dislike of religion so vital to our plans. And the pamphlets they give out? You might think they could sway people towards Christianity, but embedded in the text are hypnotic brainwashing patterns from the EAC Department of Mind Control!! Muahahahaha!!!

4. The EAC Department of Bible Revision has done some great work, almost seamlessly inserting new passages containing all-new atrocities, contradictions and absurdities into the latest edition of Scripture. (Of course, the fact that we control all the world's printing presses might have something to do with that, huh? ) Particular works of note include Jesus' irrational and bizarre cursing of the fig tree, some terrific new erotic poetry in Song of Solomon, and an entirely new chapter in Genesis that contains a creation story in a totally different order from the original! Keep up the good work, guys, and soon we may be able to drive the last few True Christians toward atheism. After all, as I know you're fond of saying down there, how could a book so riddled with errors and inconsistencies possibly be from God?

5. The EAC Department of Vote-Rigging turned in a stellar performance during the American presidential election. As you all know, installing George W. Bush in the office is our most devious plan yet! While he seems in every respect to be a True Christian, in reality he's doing exactly as we command him to do. Our crafty "faith-based initiatives" plan will soon be in full swing, giving taxpayer money to churches to subsidize their preaching and other religious activities. Make no mistake, after a few egregious violations are discovered, strict laws and auditing procedures will be enacted to ensure no more money is misspent, thereby entangling church and state in an inextricable mess. Soon, churches will be overwhelmed with paperwork and bureaucracy and subsumed into the government entirely! And as we all know, when church merges with state, the citizenry rapidly loses interest in it. Just look at the results of the similar plan we've already carried out in Sweden, where attendance in the state-sponsored church is plummeting through the floor. Soon America, one of the few last bastions of fundamentalism in the world, will be ours!

6. And last but not least, I'd like to toot my own department's horn a bit. The EAC Societal Subversion Department has done some amazing work in the American Bible Belt, managing to drive divorce rates there over 50% above the national average! I have to admit it wasn't easy, since True Christians are ordinarily almost invulnerable to the moral decay we've managed to insert into every other sector of society. Left to their own devices, they never beat their spouses, commit adultery or abandon their children. However, our operatives, posing as preachers, cunningly persuaded young people to fear and despise their own sexuality and jump into marriages they weren't ready for without any support or counseling, thereby ensuring our success. Unfortunately, theists in the community have noticed these results, if not realized the cause, and are calling for more church and more preaching to reverse it. Our actions will be scaled up accordingly to combat this worrisome trend.

Well, that about wraps up my report for this month. In closing, I'd like to extend my own special congratulations to our operatives in the so-called "ACLU," who have managed yet again to fight off the efforts to merge church and state. Way to go, guys! If left to their own devices, the fundamentalist Christians would establish a theocracy where the breaking of Biblical laws was punishable by death, and where would we be then?

Oh, yes - and for those of you who asked, the airlifting of our headquarters from Redmond to Babylon is almost complete. Soon the EAC Department of Mad Scientists will have the subcutaneous identification/tracking/commerce chips ready, bringing our top-secret Project Phoenix into its final stages.

Until next time, fellow conspirators, keep up the good work, and remember: Coranon silaria, ozoo mahoke.



You never saw this memo.

The Evil Atheist Conspiracy doesn't exist.

And it's motto isn't...

"Corrupting Humanity Since the Dawn of Time."

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Solstice &
Saturnalia &
Christmas, Oh My!

Historical facts are pesky little devils.

Here's a clue for you, fascist fundies:

You can argue an opinion.

You can't argue a fact.

Just because earlier seasonal observances were a lot more fun than yours, to claim them as your own and make up silly untrue slogans is downright hypocritical!

Historians are unsure exactly when Christians first began celebrating the Nativity of Christ. However, most scholars believe that Christmas originated in the 4th century as a Christian substitute for pagan celebrations of the winter solstice. Before the introduction of Christmas, each year beginning on December 17 Romans honored Saturn, the ancient god of agriculture, in a festival called Saturnalia. This festival lasted for seven days and included the winter solstice, which usually occurred around December 25 on the ancient Julian calendar. During Saturnalia the Romans feasted, postponed all business and warfare, exchanged gifts, and temporarily freed their slaves. Many Romans also celebrated the lengthening of daylight following the winter solstice by participating in rituals to glorify Mithra, the ancient Persian god of light (see Mithraism). These and other winter festivities continued through January 1, the festival of Kalends, when Romans marked the day of the new moon and the first day of the month and year. LINK

Got that, fascist fundies?


Solstice: The times when the Sun is at its furthest from the celestial equator are called the summer and winter solstices and these occur in mid-summer and mid-winter.

In the Northern Hemisphere it is the Summer Solstice which occurs around 21st June each year.

In the Southern Hemisphere the Summer Solstice occurs around December 21st each year.


Equinoxes March 20 06:49 GMT September 22 16:30 GMT
Solstices June 21 00:57 GMT December 21 12:42 GMT

Equinoxes March 20 12:33 GMT September 22 22:23 GMT
Solstices June 21 06:46 GMT December 21 18:35 GMT

Winter Solstice is the shortest day of the year and the sun is at it's lowest arc in the sky. Astronomers have pinpointed the exact angle to the tilt of the earth to the sun at 23 degrees/27 minutes from the plane of orbit--but to simplify things: Winter Solstice is when (because of this tilt) your hemisphere is leaning farthest away from the sun. It is heralded as a turning point--the day that marks the return of the sun.

Cultures world over perform solstice rituals, usually involving light in some way, and revolved around the fear that the light would not return. Ancient cultures built great architecture aligned to observe and mark solstices and equinoxes.

An example is Stonehenge, a perfect marker for the solstices. A lesser known megalith site is Newgrange in Ireland. This circular stone structure is estimated to be centuries older than Stonehenge. It receives a beam of light deep into it's central chambers at dawn on Winter Solstice--which reveals a series of carvings on a stone basin. A third example is Maeshowe on the Orkney Islands, north of Scotland, which admits a shaft of light at the Winter Solstice setting sun.

As the modern faiths became more common and the pagan (country) faiths less popular, the Christmas holiday season was transplanted onto Winter Solstice. Celebrations involve decorative lights, candles and fires of special logs or certain pine branches. Apple wassailing derives from blessing of the apple trees for bountiful harvests. Even the making of certain special cakes and pastries come from the fruitfulness of nature, the return of life and the return of the sun.

Native Americans had Winter Solstice rites. In Iran, there is a celebration of Yalda, kept by burning fires throughout the night to help the sun and battle the darkness. There are Winter Solstice celebrations in Pakistan, Tibet and China. In Russia there is a Christmas ritual involving candles. The Jewish Festival of the Lights occures around this time of year. LINK


By the beginning of December, writes Columella, the farmer should have finished his autumn planting. Now, at the time of the winter solstice (December 25 in the Julian calendar), Saturnus, the god of seed and sowing, was honored with a festival. The Saturnalia officially was celebrated on December 17 (a.d. XVI Kal. Ian.) and, in Cicero's time, lasted seven days, from December 17-23. Augustus attempted to limit the holiday to three days, so the civil courts would not have to be closed any longer than necessary, and Caligula extended it to five. Still, everyone seems to have continued to celebrate for a full week, extended, says Macrobius (I.10.24), by the exchange of sigillaria, small earthenware figurines that were sold then.

Macrobius, in his Saturnalia, creates an imaginary symposium among pagan intellectuals that takes place then. There, he offers an explanation for the varying length of the holiday. Originally, it was celebrated on only one day, the fourteenth before the Kalends of January (December 19). With the Julian reform of the calendar, however, two days were added to December, and the Saturnalia was celebrated sixteen days before the Kalends (December 17), "with the result that, since the exact day was not commonly known--some observing the addition which Caesar had made to the calendar and others following the old usage--the festival came to be regarded as lasting for more days than one" (I.10.2). The original day was given over to the Opalia, honoring Ops, who personified abundance and the fruits of the earth, and was the consort of Saturn. As the two deities represented the produce of the fields and orchards, so they also were thought to represent heaven and earth. It was for this reason, says Macrobius (I.10.20), that the festivals were celebrated at the same time, the worshippers of Ops always sitting in prayer so that they touched the earth, mother of all.

In the Roman calendar, the Saturnalia was designated a holy day, or holiday, on which religious rites were performed. Saturn, himself, was identified with Kronos, and sacrificed to according to Greek ritual, with the head uncovered. The Temple of Saturn, the oldest temple recorded by the pontiffs, had been dedicated on the Saturnalia, and the woolen bonds which fettered the feet of the ivory cult statue within were loosened on that day to symbolize the liberation of the god.

It also was a festival day. After sacrifice at the temple, there was a public banquet, which Livy says was introduced in 217 BC (there also may have been a lectisternium, a banquet for the god in which its image is placed in attendance, as if a guest). Afterwards, according to Macrobius (I.10.18), the celebrants shouted "Io, Saturnalia!" at a riotous feast in the temple. LINK


Although the Gospels describe Jesus’ birth in detail, they never mention the date, so historians do not know on what date he was born. The Roman Catholic Church chose December 25 as the day for the Feast of the Nativity in order to give Christian meaning to existing pagan rituals. For example, the Church replaced festivities honoring the birth of Mithra, the god of light, with festivities to commemorate the birth of Jesus, whom the Bible calls the light of the world. The Catholic Church hoped to draw pagans into its religion by allowing them to continue their revelry while simultaneously honoring the birthday of Jesus. The Eastern Orthodox Church took a slightly different course. By the end of the 4th century the Eastern Church in Constantinople had also begun to acknowledge December 25 as Jesus’ birthday, but it emphasized the celebration of Christ’s baptism on January 6 as the more important holiday.

Over the next 1000 years, the observance of Christmas followed the expansion of Christianity into the rest of Europe and into Egypt. Along the way, Christian beliefs combined with existing pagan feasts and winter rituals to create many long-standing traditions of Christmas celebrations. For example, ancient Europeans believed that the mistletoe plant held magic powers to bestow life and fertility, to bring about peace, and to protect against disease. Northern Europeans associated the plant with the Norse goddess of love, Freya, and developed the custom of kissing underneath mistletoe branches. Christians incorporated this custom into their Christmas celebrations, and kissing under a mistletoe branch eventually became a part of secular Christmas tradition.

During the Reformation of the 16th century, Protestants challenged the authority of the Catholic Church, including its toleration of surviving pagan traditions during Christmas festivities. For a brief time during the 17th century, Puritans banned Christmas in England and in some English colonies in North America because they felt it had become a season best known for gambling, flamboyant public behavior, and overindulgence in food and drink.

Europeans who settled in North America often found they had to change their Christmas celebrations because they could not faithfully recreate the traditions of their homelands. For example, colonists in the American South may have aspired to recreate a sense of the English Christmas. But colonial accounts of Christmas celebrations in the South do not mention the presence of mummers (masked or costumed merrymakers) or waits (musicians or carolers paid to perform at Christmastime), both of which were central figures of the traditional English Christmas. Nor do historical accounts describe settlers engaging in such traditional English customs as feasting on boars’ heads or drinking from wassail bowls (bowls filled with spiced ale or wine).


Let's recap:

#3 Christmas
#2 Saturnalia
#1 Winter Solstice

Oh, ye Christians of little faith!

Maybe if you actually lived the tenets of your chosen faith, you might set an example for others to follow.

Neither the Romans nor the early Christians were able to stifle the Winter Solstice celebration, but both groups coveted control of the season's revelry.

In the words of Hannibal Lecter, "How do we first begin to covet? We covet that which we see every day."

Hey, fundies!

How about honoring that 10th Commandment? Stop coveting other people's religious observances, OK?

Monday, December 20, 2004

Today's Lesson: Circular Logic

This seasonal message is brought to you by the folks at

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

"Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

"Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

"If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

"What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

"Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

"Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

"Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

"Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

"Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

"Oh yes, all the time..."

"And has He given you a million dollars?"

"Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

"So why don't you just leave town now?"

"You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

"Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

"My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

"Haven't you talked to her since then?"

"Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

"So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

"Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

"What's that got to do with Hank?"

"Hank has certain 'connections.'"

"I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

"But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."

"Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

"No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

"Then how do you kiss His ass?"

"Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

"Who's Karl?"

"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

"And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

"Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

** From the desk of Karl **

Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

"This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

"Hank didn't have any paper."

"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

"Of course, Hank dictated it."

"I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

"Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

"It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

"How do you figure that?"

"Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

"Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

"We do?"

"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

"You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

She blushes.

"Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

"What if I don't have a bun?"

"No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

"No relish? No Mustard?"

She looks positively stricken.

He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

"So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

"It's good! I eat it all the time."

She faints.

He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. LINK

Just think about it.

Waiting For Santa

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Worst. Christmas Films. Ever.

There are many bodaciously baaaaaad Christmas films out there, and the tradition of Bad Christmas Film Procreation continues to this day.

On the TV front...

Not only do we have to suffer New&Improved Claymation Knockoffs every year, we cable subscribers are also blessed (cough) with The Hallmark Channel, brought to us by (Yep! You guessed it!) the Sappy Greeting Card People, who have decided that there should be at least one dopey celluloid Christmas entrée each and every December.

But, Wait!

There's More!

The people who bring us new sappy celluloid Christmas entrées each December have realized that they already have a Capone's vault full of these residuals-are-cheaper-than-new productions!

And they're on every TV channel with the word family associated with it.

But That's Not All!

If you honestly believe that all Country slash Western stars can act, TV Christmas fare is for you!

As for the diehard feature length motion picture lover, there are enough baaad Christmas films to choke a horse dressed up like a reindeer!

Before we begin our countdown...

There are several elements inherent in the Baaad Christmas Film:

Christmas Must Be Saved!

Yes, Boys & Girls, you might not get presents from Santa if the bad guys win!

Santa Is A Helpless Twit!

Someone (usually a lawyer, a couple of orphans, or a redundantly wisecracking smart ass) always has to save a clueless, worthless Santa (Think Whoopi Goldberg).

There Is Always A Deus Ex Machina Ending!

Someone always uses some villain vulnerability to save both Santa's big red ass and Christmas, itself!

And now...

Your Scrivener's Top 5 Worst Christmas Films Ever:


Santa With Muscles

Genre: Family / Comedy

Tagline: He's naughty, He's nice, and He's coming to save Christmas.

Plot Outline: An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.


Earnest Saves Christmas

Genre: Family / Comedy

Tagline: A holiday comedy unlike any other!

Want to bet?

Plot Outline: Ernest helps Santa Claus as he searches for his successor.


Santa Claus: The Movie

Genre: Adventure / Family / Fantasy

Tagline: The Legend Comes To Life.

Plot Outline: The first half of this film, set hundreds of years ago, shows how the old man who eventually became Santa Claus was given immortality and chosen to deliver toys to all the children of the world. The second half moves into the modern era, in which Patch, the head elf, strikes out on his own and falls in with an evil toy manufacturer who wants to corner the market and eliminate Santa Claus.


Jingle All The Way

OK, It's not Santa...

It's Ahhhnold The Gropenator.

And, instead of saving Christmas for everyone, the happiness of one little white suburban boy is at stake, which is of course much more important!

Such a shame that Phil Hartman was so good in such a baaad film!

Genre: Action / Family / Adventure / Comedy

Tagline: Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners.

Plot Outline: A harried father decides to dream the impossible dream, to get that year's hot toy for his son just before Christmas Day.

(Cue Drum Roll!)

There is, of course, the Gold Standard of Baaad Christmas films, against which all others will forever be compared...


Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Genre: Family / Sci-Fi / Fantasy

Tagline: Blast off for Mars... with Santa and a pair of Earth kids!

Plot Outline: The Martians kidnap Santa because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents. Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extol the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

You want scary?

SCQTM is no more than a bastardization of The Iliad...

With really baaaad costumes!

Think about it:

Santa Claus/Helen is kidnapped from his/her homeland and taken to Mars/Troy.

Humans/Greeks send a force to bring him/her back. (Granted the humans' rocket never gets to Mars.)

Some of the Martians/Greeks want to send Santa/Helen home and some want to keep him/her.

Santa/Helen grows to love the people of Mars/Troy for the most part.

Patroclus takes Achilles' armor, is mistaken for him, and subsequently killed. (Droppo steals Santa's spare outfit, is mistaken for Santa, and is kidnapped.)

At least, those guys in The Iliad didn't take time out to dance...

Next Week...

A Recap Of The Best & The Worst Of Christmas 2004!

Today's Sermon:
Celebrate Christ's Mass,Or else, Damn it!

There are so many things wrong with Pastor Patrick Wooden's demand that everyone spew the words Merry Christmas (and they'd better sound like they mean it, damn it!), thus ignoring/negating every other religious/secular observation of the Winter Season, that it's difficult to note them all.

But, of course, your scrivener will try:

This Season, Greetings Are at Issue

A Southern church presses store workers to say 'Merry Christmas,' not 'Happy Holidays.'

By Ellen Barry, Times Staff Writer

RALEIGH, N.C. — This year, as Christmas season swung into gear, Pastor Patrick Wooden's followers fanned out to shopping malls across Raleigh to deliver a muscular message of holiday cheer: As Christian shoppers, they would like to be greeted with the phrase "Merry Christmas" — not a bland "Happy Holidays" — and stores that failed to do so would risk losing their business.

So... if a store dares to treat Jewish, Muslim, Buddist, Urantian, Pagan, or other religious/secular customers with respect, it's days are numbered?

I'm sure Pastor Woodenheart recommends Wal-Mart, where cheap Chinese slave labor goods were manufactured by the hands and machines of Good Christian Laborers... Not!

Nearly six weeks later, some citizens in Raleigh are seething over what they see as an attempt to force religion into the public square.

But others say "Merry Christmas" is rolling off their tongues more easily and more often than in previous years.

Conservative Christians nationwide have converged around the topic of Christmas, complaining that secularists and nonbelievers have tried to obliterate the holiday's religious meaning.


"Our position is: If they want the gold, frankincense and myrrh, they should acknowledge the birth of the child," said Wooden, pastor of the Upper Room Church of God in Christ.

Someone had better educate Pastor Woodenheart: Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh were for burial rituals (Gold to pay for the burial, Myrrh to embalm the body, and Frankincense to mask the odor of decomposing flesh).

What an idiot!

Conservative Americans feel ready to push back against "the secularists or the humanists or the elitists" who dominate popular culture, said the Rev. Mark Creech of the Christian Action League of North Carolina, which is based in Raleigh.

"It's a cultural war. We are in the thick of it," Creech said. "It's not so much an attack on us. It's an attack on Christ."

An attack on Christ?

No, Rev. Creech. Christ isn't the target. You are, you sanctimonious asshole.

Throughout history, religious people have fretted over the holiday's secular aspects, said Penne Restad, a lecturer at the University of Texas at Austin and the author of "Christmas in America: A History."

Created by the Roman Catholic Church in the 4th century, the celebration of the nativity coincided with pre-Christian feasts, allowing observant Christians to "then go out the door and participate in Saturnalia," Restad said.

Don't stop there, Penne! Tell the rest of the story: The Romans usurped the Winter Solstice celebration long before the Christians usurped the Saturnalia celebration. LINK

It took a religious court decision to decide that Jesus was actually divine. Even then, early Christians had to learn the age-old lesson: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

I suggest that you google The Council of Nicea, Preacher Men.

In pre-Colonial days, English authorities looked on the holiday as a riot of drunkenness and hooliganism. American Puritans rejected it completely, preferring to get up and go to work. Not until the 1820s and '30s, with the holiday "getting rowdier and rowdier and more destructive," did Americans redefine it as a safe and private family time, Restad said — the "old-fashioned Christmas" celebrated in carols and Currier & Ives prints.

Karal Ann Marling, author of "Merry Christmas! Celebrating America's Greatest Holiday," called complaints about secularization "complete and utter bunk."

"If you think Christmas meant the baby Jesus in the past, it didn't," said Marling, a professor of art history at the University of Minnesota.


Wooden, 43, considers the campaign such a success that he has already set aside money in the church budget — full-page ads cost about $7,600 — to buy a similar advertisement next year. Fresh off the fierce debate over same-sex marriage, which he opposes, he says condemnation from the left does not trouble him. On the contrary, he said: "It seems to me the greater the persecution, the stronger the church."

Money makes the world go around
The world go around
The world go around

And where will the print ad dollars come from, Wooden?

Tithing = the church = the God of Abraham; therefore, render your hard earned gold unto Wooden and Creech, or God will get you!

As far as complaints from people of other religions go, Wooden looks at it this way: An ice-cream vendor doesn't have to like every flavor he sells.

"There's one group of people who get bullied all the time, and that's Christians," he said. "I know what it is like to be bullied. It is apartheid in reverse — the majority is being bullied by the minority."

Apartheid in reverse? The majority bullied by the minority?

Excuse me, Woodenstake, but you're just plain pig ignorant of recent history.

No surprise there, though.

Apartheid was the power of the white minority over the black majority, you idiot!

Little has changed at Cary Towne Center, where Wooden's members delivered letters in late October: Festoons of tiny lights twinkle from the ceiling, garlands of artificial pine deck the halls, and the word "Christmas" is hard to find. Phyllis Maultsby, who owns the shop Light Years Jewelry, said pressure would not change her holiday decorating choices. LINK

Little has changed at Cary Towne Center...

Trans: You can't fool (or punish) all of the people all of the time, Preacher Men!

It could be worse, folks.

Wooden and Creech could reinstate the Inquisition.

I'm sure they'd like to see more than mere chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Thus Endeth Today's Sermon.

Go forth and employ the seasonal greeting of your choice...

While you still can.

Later today...

Worst. Christmas Films. Ever.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Today's Test

Guess which one of these billboards IS NOT being investigated by law enforcement and the Federal Election Commission:

Even the Backside Of The Bell Curve could probably score well on today's test.

Heavy sigh.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Christmas Carols
For The
Psychiatrically Challenged

Thanks to my friend, CO Liberal, for sharing:

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do you Hear What I Hear?


DEMENTIA - I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..

PARANOID - Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why...

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ... (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...

Not that there's anything wrong with being psychiatrically challenged...

In fact, we always need more people to buy things like this:

Thursday, December 16, 2004

UN 1 / Fascist Fundies 0

Exclusive: UN Conference Shuts Up Reporter; Calls Global Warming Science Questions 'Silly'

Buenos Aires, Argentina ( - The moderator of a panel discussion at the United Nations climate change conference here shut down questioning by a reporter who asked about the science behind global warming claims, calling such questions "silly."

The panel discussion featured representatives of the Inuit people, who were announcing their intention to seek a ruling from the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights against the United States "for causing global warming and its devastating impacts."

But when asked by to defend the science behind the group's legal challenge, the moderator of the event cut off the reporter's questions and said he was "going to put a stop to this." had asked the panelists how they could be scientifically certain that any potential warming in the Arctic is the fault of humans and specifically the fault of the United States. LINK (Beware! It's the Christian News Service)

Defend the science?

Defend the science?

Defend the science
, my ass, fundies!

Meanwhile, the English department would like to talk to you, George W., about your spelling...

'Challenges' Prove Too Much for White House

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The White House went all out to showcase the advantages of President Bush's ambitious financial agenda this week, but in the end the "challenges" proved too much.

The word "challenges" -- a main theme of a two-day White House economic conference that ended on Thursday -- was misspelled on a large television monitor that stood in front of Bush during a panel discussion.

"Financial Challanges for Today and Tomorrow," the message proclaimed in dark blue capital letters against a bright yellow background.

The conference, which critics derided as a public relations event devoid of serious discussion, spotlighted a second-term Bush agenda that would reform Social Security and the tax code while making tax cuts permanent and cutting the deficit in half.

The White House had no immediate comment on the misspelling. LINK

Go back to school and pay attention this time, you morons.