Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Just to throw a number out: He (Obama) has raised well over $600 million since the start of his campaign, close to what George Bush and John Kerry raised combined in 2004.
Without question, Obama has set the bar at new height with a truly staggering sum of cash. And that is why as we approach this November, it is worth reminding ourselves what Barack Obama said last November.
One year ago, he made a promise. He pledged to accept public financing and to work with the Republican nominee to ensure that they both operated within those limits.
Promises. Promises.
Here's the money quote:
The Washington Post pointed out recently that the bad economy has meant a cash shortage among the 527s and that this election year they have been far less influential.
The courageous among Obama's own supporters concede this decision was really made for one reason, simply because it was to Obama's financial advantage.
On this issue today, former Sen. Bob Kerrey of Nebraska, an Obama supporter, writes in The New York Post, "a hypocrite is a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue -- who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings. And that, it seems to me, is what we are doing now."
Ouch.
By the way, did you catch Pushing Daisies last night? If not, you can find the episode at fancast.com, when they get around to uploading it. While you're there, scroll down to the list of shows and check out the original Dick Van Dyke Show pilot episode. Fun times.
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Decisions, Decisions: Pushing Daisies or The Obama Show?
The facts are these:
Presidential post pursuer, Barack H. Obama, is spending millions of donor dollars to buy a half hour TV slot during prime time this Wednesday evening; The One-ness that is Obama, however, has decided not to purchase that terrifically timely time slot from ABC, thus leaving the nether-network free to air its usual program, Pushing Daisies.
Thank you, Obama, for leaving my precious onomatopeotic program alone... while you star in Barack H. Obama's FDR Fireside Chat 2.0 with the hard-earned dollars of your delusional, devoted donors.
For, you see, Ellen Greene might sing, and I'd hate to miss that. Or Swoosie Kurtz might belch. Or someone might push Kristin Chenoweth down a flight of stairs. I'd really hate to miss that.
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Here are just 3 examples of fears your atheist friends don't have to worry about:
The fear of powerful women...
The fear of supernatural toast...
As you can see, it's just toast.
The fear of those dreaded knocks at the door...
OK, that fear is real, for you'll never be visited by proselitizing atheists... just religious soul collectors. But atheists don't fear other atheists appearing at the door during dinner, do they?
Thus endeth today's sermon.
Go forth today and consider your fears and the fears of others.
What is the source of your fear?
just think about it.
I mean it, damn it!
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
There's this (cough) "artist" (cough) named Levi van Veluw, who sometimes glues stuff to his head, sometimes draws on his head and neck with a ballpoint pen, and sometimes pours crap over his head... then takes a picture of himself...
Hm. A trip to Michael's for some moss, tacky glue, and model train accessories... and you, too, can be an "artist" like Levi.
Here's another...
Got a ballpoint pen and a mirror? Get busy!
Last, but not least...
Pour two flavors of yogurt over your head, snap a pic, and call it (cough) "art" (cough).
The saddest part about Levi's "art": he's won more photography awards than "art" awards.
Have a Silly Saturday! And don't forget to call whatever you do today ...art.
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Election 2008 (aka Jerry Springer, Eat Your Heart Out!)
We knew something was coming.
It's October, after all.
And what goes better with October in an election year than a big ol' steaming bowl of... SURPRISE?
OBAMA'S TRUE PARENTAGE: IS BARACK OBAMA REALLY THE BIOLOGICAL SON OF FRANK MARSHALL DAVIS?
IF THE LEFT CAN SAY THAT TRIG IS NOT SARAH'S BABY - (MORE ANTI-PALIN MADNESS HERE, AND A ROUND-UP ON SULLIVAN'S INSANITY HERE), THEN THIS HYPOTHESIS IS POSSIBLE TOO - AFTER ALL, TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY:
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Today is flu shot/ blood drawing at the Dr.'s office (where you have to wait --fasting, of course-- for the lab techs to arrive because the traffic is backed up for miles)/ general get crap over with day.
Not one of my favorite days of the year. Tape and cotton balls on both arms, ravenous for eggs, and suffering from caffeine withdrawal...
It's just one of those days.
Fortunately for me, here's America's most perfect woman having a much worse time...
At least, my day is all uphill from here. Poor Martha is probably slogging through more of those ridiculous segments.
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
I tried to discuss Joe Biden's truly weird "Mark my words, bad things are coming, and you'll think Obama is making the wrong decisions, but TRUST US and make your friends and neighbors do the same" speech last night. Not only did I get my head chewed off, I was accused of being a McCain supporter.
The Democrats are poised on the brink of victory. And they cannot stand it. The news is too good. Something has to go wrong.
On Saturday, Charlie Cook, an independent analyst and author of the Cook Report, wrote: “This election isn’t over, but it is looking very bad for Republicans — and seems to be getting worse.”
This plunged the Democrats into a deep gloom. Good news is always bad news for them. --snip--
Awful news. Obama has a money problem. And you know what it is? He might run out of time to spend all the money he has! Election Day might come and go before Obama can spend the $5 million a day he is now raising. (If this does happen, I suggest he borrow a page from Oprah and buy everyone in America a Pontiac. Just as a gesture.)
Obama himself has reacted to the dismal drumbeat of good news. At a fundraising concert in Manhattan last Thursday featuring Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel, Obama got up and said: “Don’t underestimate the capacity of Democrats to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Don’t underestimate our ability to screw it up.”
Which is the prevailing mood in the top echelons of the Democratic Party right now.
Here's the sick and twisted truth about where I stand in this election: On one hand, I'm accused of supporting John McCain; one the other hand, someone named "Bloody Bill" posted this comment on my blog:
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
"Mark my words," the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday. "It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Remember I said it standing here if you don't remember anything else I said. Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy."
"I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where it might originate," Biden said to Emerald City supporters, mentioning the Middle East and Russia as possibilities. "And he's gonna need help. And the kind of help he's gonna need is, he's gonna need you - not financially to help him - we're gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right."
Hm.
Here's some more:
"This guy has it. But he's gonna need your help. Because I promise you, you all are gonna be sitting here a year from now going, 'Oh my God, why are they there in the polls? Why is the polling so down? Why is this thing so tough?' We're gonna have to make some incredibly tough decisions in the first two years. So I'm asking you now, I'm asking you now, be prepared to stick with us. Remember the faith you had at this point because you're going to have to reinforce us."
"There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, 'Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don't know about that decision'," Biden continued. "Because if you think the decision is sound when they're made, which I believe you will when they're made, they're not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they're popular, they're probably not sound."
Biden emphasized that the mountainous Afghanistan-Pakistan border is of particular concern, with Osama bin Laden "alive and well" and Pakistan "bristling with nuclear weapons."
Some of the scariest parts:
"And he's gonna need help."
"And the kind of help he's gonna need is, he's gonna need you - not financially to help him - we're gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him."
"Because it's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right."
Right about what, Joe?
Reinstating the draft?
Some kind of Israel v Iran/ Iran v Israel bloodbath?
Another 9/11 type attack on US soil? (Like, in my neighborhood?)
Using limited nukes against Pakistan?
Creating a new alliance with Chavez & Friends and replacing the dollar with Ameros?
Raising taxes a zillion percent?
What gives, Biden?
Spit it out, Joe!
Here's the weirdest part:
"I probably shouldn't have said all this because it dawned on me that the press is here," he joked.
He joked?
This crap is funny, Joe?
Is this whole "Be Afraid, But Trust Us" speech just another Biden/ Emily Litella "Never Mind" moment?
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
The survey, conducted April 30-June 1 among 3,612 adults ages 18 and over, found that about half of Americans (53%) knew that the Democrats have a majority in the House of Representatives, while 42% could identify the secretary of state (Condoleezza Rice). Fewer than three-in-ten (28%) could name the prime minister of Great Britain (Gordon Brown). Just 18% of the public answered all three questions correctly.
18%.
Sounds chilling, right?
Before you judge, take a look at today's failures...
That day care disaster flyer, the free steak knives with kid cereal offer, and that (cough) delicious (cough) license plate are just 3 examples found at failblog.org today.
Now, how do you feel about a mere 18% answering all three questions correctly?
Sounds about right, doesn't it?
The really chilling part: How many of the other 82% vote?
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Rolling Stone Magazine has finally shrunk to the standard 8 x 11 size...
Unfortunately, the photo editors forgot to shrink Obama's Big Giant Head along with the page size. (The new cover is on the left, and the previous Obama Head cover is on the right):
Hey, if RS didn't forget to shrink Obama's head, there's only one other possible explanation.
The editors decided that Obama looks just like the Eddie Murphy donkey in Shrek:
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Of course, there's the last presidential debate... not to be confused with John Badham's "The Last Debate," which I recorded back in the day for it's snarky, snappy dialogue.
But, wait. Another train-wreck TV choice tonight is "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." Funny, they don't actually live in Atlanta, and most of them aren't even technically married. But, hey! They could be the first batch of high society wannabe women in these stupid "housewives" shows to show actual physical rage.
Last, but not least...
Tonight marks the finale of Project Runway (season 5), and my favorite (aka "Mean Girl") contestant/ designer/ reality show personality, Kenley Collins, will probably get auf'ed by Heidi Klum & Co.
Kenley's major flaw: she refuses to bow down to the judges, be intimidated by the other designers' gang-like attacks, or sit quietly in the corner and beg for more abuse.
I like her. And to those who complain about her attitude, I say...
A designer with attitude?
Whoever heard of such a thing?
No matter the viewing choice tonight, there are multiple smackdown possibilities.
Or... I might just fall asleep, like I did last night, during "The Mentalist."
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
In 2 minutes, you'll understand exactly how stupid Obots are.
If you dare.
When asked if they supported Obama because of his "pro-life," "stay in Iraq until we finish the war" and "anti-stem cell research" stances (yes, Virginia, they were trick McCain Stance questions disguised as Obama Stance questions), here's how Obots responded...
Obviously, these Obots have never heard of Joe Biden, either.
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
After I made a salad for my family, I was shocked to see this tomato (which I refer to as my Jesus Tomato) smiling up at me. I was having a really bad day and then I saw this tomato, smiling, and I realized it must be a sign from above to let me know that everything is going to be alright! I could not eat the tomato. I washed the dill dressing from it and put it in a ziplock bag and in the freezer so that it would stay fresh, and smiling! I was going to keep the tomato but then I realized that all of us need a sign from above, even if it is in the form of a tomato.
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
Like Monk, the OCD TV detective, Hamish has... issues. No, he doesn't bite or attack. He just tries to climb into your arms or hide behind your legs when he's afraid. His list of phobias is, however, legion.
Hamish has...
Acousticophobia - fear of noise
Hint: Don't make noise upstairs if Hamish is downstairs. He thinks the world is coming to an end. Ancraophobia or Anemophobia - fear of wind
Hint: Don't assume that Westies know the difference between wind and invisible people. (Maybe they know something we don't know, but the wind --which could actually be caused by invisible people-- is a scary thing to them.)
Ataxophobia - fear of disorder or untidiness
Hint: Don't rearrange your furniture without the Westie watching the process. Unless you're prepared for a snit of major proportion.
Atelophobia - fear of imperfection
Hint: If the water bowl is full today, it had better, by damn, be full tomorrow... or else. The same principle applies to the food bowl, where the pile of dog toys was yesterday, the time you went to bed last night, ad infinitum. This starts the minute you bring your Westie home.
Automysophobia - fear of being dirty
Hint: The pavement may just be wet, but to a Westie it might as well be flowing lava. Cainophobia/Cainotophobia - fear of newness, novelty
Hint: See Ataxophobia above. It's all the same to Hamish: moving furniture, a red leaf (as opposed to a yellow leaf); it just doesn't matter. If it's new, watch out.
Chromophobia/Chromatophobia - fear of colors
Hint: Especially red wheelie toys with giggling children aboard. (They might be after Hamish!)
Cyclophobia - fear of bicycles
Hint: See Chromophobia/Chromatophobia above.
Demophobia - fear of crowds
Hint: Westies are short, damn it. You walk among giants and tell me it doesn't frighten you. Megalophobia - fear of large things
Hint: See Demophobia above.
Neophobia - fear of anything new
Hint: Think twice before giving someone a new noisy appliance for Christmas. Ornithophobia - fear of birds
Hint: You can explain 'til you're blue in the face why birds are in the backyard one minute and gone the next, but it won't do any good. The same goes for crickets. If there was once a cricket, Hamish will look for it every time he goes outside... for weeks on end. In fact, we're in week 3 of the Great Cricket Hunt of '08. Peladophobia - fear of bald people
Hint: No hint, sorry. It's just a fact of life for Hamish. And highly embarrassing.
Rupophobia - fear of dirt
Hint: Avoid dirt like the plague. I mean it.
Sigh.
There are so many more phobias (like the fear of uneven surfaces, storm drains, blue trash bins, and small girls with tambourines), but the Westie has begun his typically ritualistic day.
Hint: He hasn't figured out that Saturday is different from Friday... and he's four years old.)
If Monk had a dog, he'd have a Westie.
Have a Silly Saturday, and don't freak out a Westie today!
Donna has known for a long time now that superdelegates would be necessary for any Dem candidate to win the nomination this year. Ask Donna when she intends to keep her promise. Don't hold your breath awaiting a reply.
Here's Donna now...
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
The Koufaxes (or "the Sandies") are like the SAG or Golden Globe awards, while the Webbies are comparable to the Oscars. Getting a Koufax denotes being a class act while getting a Webbie, while certainly an honor, takes a little more politickin' than most of the celler-dwelling idealists who blogviate are up for. From The Official Koufax Award site...
The Koufax Awards are intended to help forge a sense of community among bloggers and their readership. We hope to make introductions of bloggers to each other and to readers. We also hope to create a sense that we all live in the same virtual neighborhood and that it is a very nice neighborhood indeed.
A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope.
But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children.
Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).
Ammunition In Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows
up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The
same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since
the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil
doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their
own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the
food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 9th December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the
scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!
Pauline (AKA "That Bitch in HR")
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and,
instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.
Scrivener Humor
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves...
...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."
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